sometimes, when i'm upset, i go driving. which is dangerous, because i'm usually listening to music that makes me cry. or that alters my mood... and i can't help but think about crashing. just turning my wheels a little to the right to hit the telephone poles.

there are so many things they never told me about god. or things that i never thought to ask about. they say that when you die, you're asleep... so can i still dream? what about those people who have those experiences where they're dead for a few seconds... or minutes. but then they are revived. or resurrected.

what's going to happen to my soul when i die? sometimes i feel like people aren't just given a soul, they have to earn it. i need to prove that i've done something with my time here. maybe that's why some people get to die twice. because you're not allowed to die until you've gotten your soul. sometimes i try to let my body act by itself. i try not to tell it what to do, so that it will have practice when i'm no longer in it.

god is the wind. why do you believe in something that you can't see? why do i believe in the wind?

why do i believe in souls? because i believe in the wind.

i can't help what i am, even more than you can help what you are.

sometimes i just want to take everything i love, put it all together in a pile in my room. and rip it all to pieces. shred every last part of it. and set it on fire. just get rid of it....

if i don't belong here, it doesn't either

my french whore

not as good of a book as i had originally thought. i still stick to my gene wilder fan-ness. but, he's not a very good writer. the whole book was missing major literary elements. like description. and transitions. i felt like i was reading a play. but without all of the stage cues. it was one of those things that could have been something amazing, but ended up just falling flat. tonight i'm just disappointed.

synonyms.

i bought music the other day... i know that i should be saving my money for "trip" but, you know how sometimes you just get sick of the tunes in your head. you can only listen to songs so many times... and i had a little extra cash from my last paycheck. and i ended up getting like 36 songs... :) i got a little more peggy sue. and i've been wanting to get ADELE for a while... i just love love love her voice. and i found this artist pomplamoose. they do a really amazing cover of single ladies. so, all this week, i've been listening to them. so far. there are a few tunes i absolutely adore. from pomplamoose, they have this song expiration date, and the part that goes "i'd like to get over, i'd like to get over you, ooo ooo oOo Ooo" gets stuck in my head all the time. i haven't really listened to peggy sue yet. and from adele, i really like chasing pavements. and then cold shoulder. the chorus for that one is like "when you grace me with your cold shoulder, whenever you look at me i wish i was her, you shower me with words made of knives, whenever you look at me i wish i was her" honestly, i sing it all the time when i'm driving to work.

my classes started. i'm working 5 days a week (i got my first 5-day paycheck... i am okay with these new pay arrangements :) so far things have been going okay. first class: comparative religion. my professor is really in-depth. today was the third class, and we're still going over introductory things. and usually that would bother me, but it's really interesting, and it's one of those things that you can tell, when it gets to more complicated things, he's really going to take the time to explain everything so that there is no confusion. it's kind of strange though too, because he asks questions that i have no idea how to answer, and when he calls on people, they automatically know the answer. i feel like i'm coming from a completely different perspective. but, i think it's going to be good. as long as he doesn't call on me. i just have to try really hard not to make eye contact ;) second class: introduction to music. meh. i'm not too impressed. my professor is really arrogant. but i can't get out of it. and so far, nothing weird has happened. he's said a few things that i disagree with. and i think, maybe sometime we'll end up arguing. but, maybe not... i don't really feel like being made into an example. third class: english composition II. my professor is really quiet. and surprisingly i only have 2 essays to write the whole semester. which is very... easy. and i have a recitation, and quizzes and stuff, which is pretty normal. but the story and poem line up for the semester, is very exciting. fourth class: ceramics. definitely going to be awesome. yesterday was the first class. we have three projects, maybe a fourth depending on how soon we finish. and yesterday we made four pinch pots, and four coil pots. it took me 2 hours and 20 minutes. it's a four hour class, but i was really surprised by how quickly the time flew by. i'm sitting at a table with two older women, and they knew each other. they were cracking jokes the whole time. :) it was hilarious. all in all. the semester is looking really bright for me. and then summer....... it's going to be a good year.

my dad's birthday is on sunday. i was going to take him down to the restaurant, but i'm working. he said he wanted to have a family dinner. so we're going on wednesday. it's weird though, because i've never eaten there... and i don't know if it's going to be weird or not. i don't know if my boss is going to be like, oh you're free during wed. dinner? how come you aren't working? i don't know if i'm going to be stressing out that we're just taking up space... so i don't know... i'm definitely going to give them warning.

the virgin suicides.

last night, i watched the virgin suicides... and i'm not really sure how i'm reacting yet. the whole story is about these five sisters. the youngest one kills herself by jumping from the second story onto a neighbors sharp pointy fence. then the other four sisters are struggling socially, all except one who ends up getting in trouble and pushes the parents to isolate the girls in their home. they all kill themselves on the anniversary of their sister's death. hanging. gas oven. pills. carbon monoxide poisoning. i kept thinking what i would do if all of my children killed themselves. what would i have to live for? what could i tell myself to make it better? this played in my head over and over and over again...

'olhiobniuhg

last night i didn't end up getting to bed until around 2:30. then i woke up at 7. i hopped in the shower, and then got shampoo in my eye. it burned so bad... tried to get ready, couldn't fix my hair. galloped off to class. my professor is not the coolest. he stood up front for about an hour and a half and lectured us on how stupid we were. my next class, professor was the awesome-est but i don't want to take his class. i don't want to do music anymore... does this make me too fickle? so i decided.. hmm. why am i taking music classes if i've decided that this isn't going to work for me? why don't i try to drop out. but my mom wants me to be full time, so i needed two more classes. i was going to switch to culinary and art, but i needed some prerequisites that weren't available, so i went home, figured out i was going to take english comp II and intro to children's literature. i drove back to the college, only to find out that the classes were full. so i had to come back home. except the website that they gave me to check which classes weren't filled up wasn't working. so i tried to call the stupid college but everyone was busy. so i had to pick out some classes i thought would work, and then drive back over. i talked with one of the desk people. he told me which classes on my list were still open. and they fit with my schedule. so i filled out ANOTHER add drop form. and gave it to the admission guy. he was like, oh you can't take this one, because you need eng. II. so i ended up only being able to drop one class. and now i have literature... but i went down to the bookstore, to exchange them. and they make you leave your bag at the door. which i can understand, but is kind of annoying because then i had to take all of my stuff out of my bag and carry it with me. i exchanged books. only got three dollars back. and now i'm at home. and i have to go to work at 4. and it's probably either going to be really stressful or really slow... and i'm not prepared for either.. :/

i really enjoy this.

this is feathers of angels. drawn by derek hess. recently, i've really taken to his artwork... it almost feels like it isn't finished, with the sketchiness of the lines. but because it's so raw, it's almost as if it's being ripped out of me. i myself am incomplete, this is my other half.

m.l.k.d.

today, is a good day. or at least, it has been so far. i didn't have class this morning, so i got to sleep in an extra hour. work went pretty well... only a few mishaps.
there was this family of four that came in. two little girls. and one was really sad looking, and the other was really happy. after they had finished eating, the sad one came over and asked us if she could have a piece of paper, so we gave her a sheet of the book where we take orders... and then she came over and asked if we had a pen she could use. so we gave her one. and she scribbled for a while, and asked if she could have another sheet. so i gave her two, and was like, oh are you going to draw a picture? she said yes, so i asked her if she would draw me one, and sign it. so she drew it, and then came over to me, and was like, do you have any crayons? i said no, then she asked if we had any blue pens, so i gave her one. then she asked if we had any other colored pens. so i took her to the closet where we keep our coats, and gave her my orange, purple, and light blue pens. while we were over there, she asked me if i drew anything so i showed her my book and drew her an elephant and a cat. then she went back to her table, and colored in the drawings for me :) they had to go, but it was so cute :) so now, i have three original pictures by Eden.

after work today i went to borders. i got paid last night... whenever i go into borders i check the elie wiesel section to see if they have Night. when i bought Dawn and Day, they didn't have it... so i check so i can have a complete set... and today they did! but only one. so i grabbed it, and i got Franny and Zooey by J.D. Salinger, steevo reccommended it to me. and i got My French Whore by Gene Wilder... i would have gotten The Woman in Red, but they didn't have it in. so... maybe next time.

hanky panky

i've been a really big gene wilder, and gilda radner fan for quite some time. not only because they're hilarious, but because it seemed like they had one of those fairy tale loves... anyway... i didn't know that they had made a movie together. it's called hanky panky. the plot line was a little ridiculous, but i wanted to see how they had worked together.
let's just say it's fabulous.
for practically the entire movie, they scream at each other. and you can hardly tell if they're about to laugh, or if they're really serious. there's this scene where they're in an airplane, and the pilot dies, so they start yelling at eachother about how he's not really dead...

it was fun.

show.

today. i went to sleep at like 4:24.... i was by myself for the whole day, and after a delicious meal of macaroni and cheese, i felt like throwing up... so i was laying on the couch just cold and miserable, when i started to go to sleep... i was weighing the pros and cons of going to bed... and then i just did. i went to my room threw all my stuff on the floor, turned out my light, and huddled under the covers. and i just woke up at 7:45. i set my alarm for 5:30, but i was so happy... i kept resetting it for half hour intervals. but... it was glorious. :) and now, i feel rested, and just... happy. also, my brother woke me up to show me this art competition for anyone under 20. pretty much, he can't do it anymore, so he wants me to, but i'm really excited about it. there are four different categories. ahem: 1. draw your greatest fear 2. illustrate an existing song 3. draw a portrait 4. give an illustration with the following elements: a human face, a light bulb, an animal, a computer and a sense of isolation.
if i did anything, it would definitely be either 3 or 4. my brother and i were bouncing ideas off of each other for 4. he's really excited about it. i am too. i think i'm going to do it. either way, there will be a hobo involved. i just can't decide if i want to do a whole scene, or just the face. they say it can be any medium. so we'll see what happens.

i'm mad at you

yeah. do you remember when we used to be friends?
because i do.
but now it feels like you're ignoring me
and even if i started a conversation
you would have noncommittal things to say
but whatever... i can take a hint
is it even worth it for me to tell you this?
to have the last word?
no. because it will turn into something huge and
roundabout like all of the others...

you're so vain.
you probably think this message
is about you

don't you don't you.

i was feeling okay... but now i just feel sad. i don't know. maybe it's because i haven't talked with you in forever. or because i thought everything was going to be okay, but isn't. or because i feel like you're ignoring me. (separate people)

i feel kind of empty right now. like i'm never going to amount to anything. are you bored yet? tired of hearing me say the same things? just because i've said them before. doesn't mean they've magically gone away. i'm still hurting.

brothers.

usually i get to work a few minutes early... we're supposed to start at 10. i get there around 9:50, and everyone else gets there at 10:10. and since it's cold outside, what i do... is sit in my car, until they open the doors. today, was like any other day. i was just sitting there, in a fairly empty parking lot, and this old man comes and parks next to me. he gets out and starts walking towards the steak place, and he was just so adorable. he had this really worn tan fedora. WITH a feather... he was wearing a jacket, it was brown. he had on green pants. and brown leather shoes. i kept thinking about how maybe he was really hip in his day... and had all of the ladies swooning over his suave ways. i suppose it was more of a madmen spin-off... either way, i ripped out a page of my moleskine notebook, and wrote him a note. not anything creepy i promise. just a little message to thank him for being so cool. :)

things were pretty slow today, but one of the first customers that came in, an indian couple, brought their son in with them. he had the best craziest hair! it was curly, and completely disheveled. he had these HUGE adorable brown eyes with the tiniest little puffy mouth. he kept looking at me so, i made faces at him. sometimes when the kids are too little to use the glass cups, we give them little plastic cups with a lid and a straw so they can feel special too, so i brought him one. and he immediately took the straw out and started chomping on it. and then used his chubby little fingers to flip the cup upside down and bang it on the table :)
when they were ready to leave, his dad picked him up out of the high chair, and this little boy started kicking his legs like he was ready to start running as soon as he hit the ground...

daydreams

sometimes, while i'm at work, or right before i go to sleep. i think about crocheting. it's the weirdest thing.... i'll crochet rows in my mind... on the weirdest projects... i don't know if i should be concerned... or just enjoy it. but it's so strange.

my curse

i made a plan. and i was happy... and excited... but the problem comes, when i start letting other
people know, what i'm doing. what i'm planning on achieving.
because then, i feel pressure
and i start to resent it
and i change my mind.

so the obvious solution would be to just skip it
to not let people know what i'm doing, and
keep it to myself.

but i can't help it.
i want input.
i want to connect with people.
and i want to share.

for once

he was nice to me (scary guy at work)
he was actually joking around with me today, asked me what
i was studying in college
offered to let me do live music... :)

today was pretty easy...
and pretty hard.

the one thing that i don't understand, is that
i ask questions at work... and then if i do it wrong
because the directions were wrong.
it's still my fault.
i should have known better.
i don't understand that.
but i'm still learning
and i'm still getting better...

i just found out today that out of our 5 1/2 employee's
we're losing 2...
the 2 who have been there the longest.
so now it's just going to be deep and i, who have been there
for a few months.
and then raman, who has been there for about 2 years.
i don't know what we're going to do....
business is good.
and now we're short staffed.
sigh.....

there's only two of us working tomorrow.
which could be good or bad.
either way. kind of stressful.

apples

i have been in private schools most of my life. when i went to 8th grade, my dad had just been fired from our SDA school, and it wasn't an option for me to go there. one: because my family was upset. two: because we didn't have enough money to send me there without the employee discount and send chad to BMA at the same time. i think there was also a problem with transportation as well. but those are the reasons that stick out the most. so what were my two choices? i could homeschool, or go to the public school where my dad was teaching. and of course, the way to make a well rounded decision. was to flip a coin. so i went to public school. i was really scared, because i had grown up in the adventist community. where all they tell you is that outsiders are bad, and that we need to convert the hethens. my first day was so awful. i was anxious and paranoid. the one thing that got to me, was lunch. because there were so many people, and i didn't know any single one of them. so i sat on the corner of a table with barely anyone. and ate my stupid sandwich. but when i had started going there for a while, things got better. i made a few friends. and i realized that i could actually buy things for lunch instead of bringing them. so what did i buy? honey buns. as long as i had money, i bought them every day. and sometimes a lemonade from the vending machine. i don't know why... i was in love with them. but for the rest of the year, and over summer, and then my freshman year at bma and then the summer after that... i ate them. i ate them until i was sick of them, and then for long time after that.

i was supposed to go to bma the summer before my freshman year. i was supposed to work there at industry. i didn't get out of school until they had already started working so right after i graduated i had a few days and then i had to pack my stuff and be gone. i had ridden with my brother when he had gone... so i knew the ride. and he was already there working, and telling everyone that i was coming. i was so scared. i was never really a camp person when i was younger. i hated the idea that my parents were leaving me behind. and i wouldn't be able to find them if i had trouble. i guess it all comes from my childhood or something... but i got there... and felt so panicky. i met mrs. moretta, and she was so nice.... she introduced me to gabby, and pooks showed me my room,and told me that everyone was in the guys dorm watching movies. but she would take me over there... but i didn't want to go. i got my room. and my parents helped me bring all my stuff inside. and i just wanted to leave. i started freaking out, and crying.... i felt like my chest was caving in. i didn't want to talk about it. i just wanted to go home, and lay in my bed with my pillow... and know that i was in a familiar place, with everything near me. my parents were really upset. and they yelled at me the whole way home. but i felt so relieved. it didn't even bother me...

oh lately it's so quiet

title-from a song, i think it's by ok go but i'm not sure. but it's such a happy sounding phrase.

resume message:

oh lately, i have been trying to come up with idea's for my future profession of choice. steevo has been helping me. there have been some pretty kick butt ideas. the one's that i'm most interested in are... dun dun daaaaa
-performer
-baker/pastry chef
-kindergarten teacher

that last one just got thrown in last night...
but i really like it.
there are a lot of others, like.... dental hygienist.

but i think i've narrowed it down to those three
i don't see why i can't do all of them.
wink

but who knows.... maybe my life will
just fall together. :)

elephants: EDIT

EDIT: i realized my link was definitely flawed.
so changed it. maybe now you will be able to see it
resume message

it's true. i am in love with them.

what is my newest treasure?

http://www.reddirect.co.uk/public/pictures/products/standard/Elephant%20bag%20still.jpg

i found this bag today...

i don't know if i'm going to get it.

because i need to save my money

but it is just so adorable.

i've been looking for

elephant bags.

but i should not be allowed to go shopping anymore.

i need to buy textbooks. :/