looking

for things to draw...


i found a caterpillar...
(a picture, i took)

and i want another one,
so that i won't absolutely die of
boredom today in class....


how bout an elephant :)

fake out

well, assuming we are following the number of posts on the blog
and not the number of posts that blogger tells me.
this is post, 182.
not 200

i was excited.

in other news, i have found a new project to be utterly absorbed in... :)

papa, nous ne faisons pas

i wish we did, but
we don't.
i miss you
and what's awful

is, i don't want to talk to you
because i know we'll end up
arguing, or you'll misunderstand me
you've forgotten how i am
and apparently i've forgotten you
with this you,
i have to tread softly,
and i'm so tired
i don't think i can

we've retreated into this
"don't call me when you're upset"
routine, and it's turned into
don't call me at all.

i'm sick of trying.
i feel like a piece of me was
stolen...
you're not who you used to be
maybe i shouldn't expect if from you
but i need you
now
and you're someone else...

carnation day

i saw you.
outside of my window.
you were standing so sad
your head bent down,
wilting.
i wanted to tell you that,
i know.
you never turned around,
just stood there.
you were in front of a green door.
no one came,
no one passed by.
i wanted to tell you
that even i wouldn't pass by,
if i could,
i would stand with you.
you didn't move.
not even to shift from one foot to the other.
i wanted to ask you
why you were wearing all black,
if someone had left you.
if your heart was as heavy as mine.
you never turned around
so that i could see you.
i wanted to.
i wanted to tell you that you're important.
and still you stand,
waiting.
what are you waiting for?
but then, the green door opened,
and she came out.
she smiled,
she knew.
she knew you.
you were different then.
and even if i couldn't see it,
i knew.
i knew that you were smiling at her too.
and then you lifted
your bright pink shoe,
and walked through the door.

per se

you do not have the right, to blame me


if i'm making your life so
fucking miserable,
go find someone else to
be around
i can't handle it

today

is perhaps one of the most pointless days in the history
of my life
and i am enjoying it... surprise... :D
today, i found out, that i really did get a higher score on the sat, than the first time around... and yes, it's only 50 points higher, and yes, my score really isn't very good at all, and yes, i could have done better... but i am content

this morning i tried to mask the embarrassment of my face with this wonderful hair of mine... meaning, i actually tried to fix my hair this morning. not only did i wish to hide the mountain on my forehead, but i really wanted to look nice today. i tried. and, i look the exact same as i do every other day... :)
haha, ironic no?

and i am headed off to a voice lesson in which i am not prepared for

but that doesn't really matter
because i'm happy today
for once in my life, fate has allowed things
not to affect me
and i can breathe again
and just bask in the glory of a day
all is well!

it's not so bad

this choir fest thing...
i'm kind of enjoying myself...
right now :)
i wish there were more people here

perfect

i was about to give up in my
little escapade with a certain mr.
but then the perfect one
sprang up on me
and i am now able to
continue with my intended plans
as long as i don't get incredibly
discouraged or anything..
which is likely. but for now...

these are the little things, that make me smile... :)
so, nothing really new or exciting is happening
i'm trying to stay hydrated, (i hate bad breath)
yuck...
and i feel kind of like a pregnant woman...

cuc choir fest is this weekend.
we leave tomorrow
and i don't want to go
BUT, we shall see if i am able to
truly find joy in
roach infested dormitories... :D

time to crack down....

this doesn't come easily to me
and i'm tired of masking this
i need help with it
and i hate going in
and pretending like i am
capable of greatness

in other news

i just listened
to river flows in you
and it made me want to cry
i'm going to miss everyone
so much

i can't believe i'm actually doing this

someone asked me what i wanted in a guy
(it's close to valentines day, and so all of the sudden
all the questions come out)
honestly, i don't like making lists because
there's always the chance that i'll end up
disappointed. but i figured i would at least try it
and knowing my luck, if i find this person
he'll be with someone else...
fate thinks i don't deserve relationships...
and oh perfect man... i am unworthy of your charm.

so if any of you are interested, these are some things
that i would really appreciate in a guy

please, be honest with me
and faithful... it would suck if you were
the perfect guy, and you cheated on me... :P
hopefully, he'll at least believe in a higher being
i don't care about religion, i'm not going to ask him to
i want a guy who loves music as much
as i do...
i want someone who likes surprises
giving and getting.
who will appreciate the little messages
and notes that i will most likely leave
on every surface for him.
or who will at least appreciate the
gestures by me for him.
who doesn't think getting flowers is girly
so if i got him roses for v-day
he'd be excited. instead of freaked out
i want someone who will tell me that
i look fat, if i look fat.
who won't tell me what he thinks i want to hear
but instead, what he thinks!
i want someone who will think through
what he's going to do before he does it
but is still capable of being spontaneous
i want someone who is funny, but not ridiculous
someone, who can figure me out
but still leave room for the unexpected.
i want someone who will cuddle with me unashamedly
i want someone who will sing to me or with me whenever
and wherever we are. who doesn't give off
the vibe that he's embarrassed to be with me.
who isn't weirded out by my family
who actually thinks that what i have to say is important
and who will be able to be patient when i can't figure out
what i want to say, who will be willing to work through
problems with me.
i want someone, who i will feel secure with. so i can say stupid
things, and not have them hate me forever. someone who will joke around
and even make fun of me sometimes.
i'm tired of tip-toeing around in relationships.
eventually there is hurt.
and i really don't care what you look like
hygiene is important, but other than that. you can be tall, short
fat, skinny, distorted, perfect, i don't care....
everyone is beautiful...
hmm, okay well mostly everyone :)

and i wouldn't ask anything of you, that i don't feel like i could give you
if the occasion presented itself...


ugh, okay, i'm tired of thinking about this.....

there are times

when i feel as if i can do anything. meet anyone. be anyone. like the world is just waiting for me to start my journey, and really that's all i have to do. just go out, and the doors will open, and i'll magically be able to find my way. like i can actually go wherever i want, and not be scared of my shadow. and then there are times when i feel like, i'm absolutely insane to even contemplate the idea. because honestly, i'm nothing. nothing at all, and the only thing waiting for me is opposition and heartache. but then there are moments where i feel as if i'm invincible and it doesn't matter if i face the untimely death of my heart, because it's already broken. what are a few scratches as compared to the dislocated vapid entity it is now? and then there are times that long for the other half of me to come and journey with me. but then those other moments remind me that i'm just a silly little girl in her living room with a huge desire to be something great, and no passion for living at all. and all of these moments seem to fight each other to the death with their huge raptor claws screaming at one another, making bounds for the others throats.

just some pics

i decided to put these up here...
dunno why... haha
uhm... this is what i have been doing with my time

so while i was wallowing

it wouldn't be creepy
if i drew andrew bird
and then sent it to him...
right?

that wouldn't be awkward?

right?


that'd be okay?

stress

i don't get it
maybe i just don't remember
but it should be working right now
stop asking me questions about it
ugh. that's all you ever do
and since when have i had any answers?
no,
i don't know what i'm doing
stop sneaking up on me and
expecting things to magically be different
i'm nervous
and freaked out
i'm not even sure this is the plan yet
or if this is where i'm supposed to be
i'm scared out of my mind
you're freaking me out

i told my friend

that john smith was my boyfriend...
the cartoon character from pocahontas.
and... apparently, she didn't connect the
two thoughts very well
because then she started asking me a whole bunch of questions like
oh my goodness really?
when did you meet?
is he cute?
you have to send me pictures
is he getting you anything for v-day?
he better
you're so lucky
tell me everything...


and i am laughing right now..
because i'm pretty sure that she was serious.. :)

late drive conversations

it's a process
it's a three step process
just do it
okay it's not hard
just do the three steps
and you'll be fine...

okay well i told you that doesn't work for me
so, can we not talk about this anymore?

see...i don't understand
why we keep
running to this spot
if you want to end the conversation
just say
you want to end the conversation
what you're doing right now
is called confrontation...

i am midas

i can't keep up with this facade anymore
the idea that i've led people to
believe...
its not true
and i've been lying to you so long
i'm an imposter
i can't do it
and i hate
coming in, all of the time
to show off the brilliant me
i'm a clock with no gears.
and i can't pretend anymore
that i'm good at it
that i enjoy it
because i don't
i hate it
and, the only thing gained
by this, is
that your opinion
descends each time we meet.

im scared

my life is a cupboard full of board games...
ages 1-4 ... that was SORRY
age 5 that was monopoly...
ages 6-8
rummikube
and 9-14... that was cranium
14-17...
life...

:(