i never thought

...that beautiful things
could come from such an ugly day
...i would actually get to drink coffee
with my bma coffee cake
...they would make coffee cake twice in a row
...my feet would actually be warm
while trekking through the snow
...i would ever get to go home
inbetween homeleave

the best way to describe how i'm feeling right now
would be to belt out a few lines of one of the
songs that makes me feel impossibly radiant.
"now, waking up is hard to do, and sleep is impossible to"
"Saw you sitting all alone
You’re fragile and you’re cold, but that’s all right
Life these days is getting rough
They’ve knocked you down and beat you up
But it’s just a rollercoaster anyway"

dual meanings?

i ripped my favorite shirt the other day
not an embarrassing rip
or one of those obnoxious kinds.
but now, there's a little hole next to my elbow
worn away from most favorite use...
and i am very sad...
i will still wear it
because, it is my favorite
but i can't stop feeling like
my enjoyment is causing agony...

it's not a curse..

a few days ago, i was practicing for my recital
and there is this song that mr. flores showed me...
there is this line...
it's my favorite line in the whole song.
"there lies a tempest in hiding"
i was thinking about it,
i can't stop thinking about it
and with the situations that have come up as of late...
i can't help but see it everywhere.

i haven't really told anyone yet
but, i died
not physically...
mentally.
first semester, my head was arrested by my cardiac...
i don't remember who told me, but
someone proposed the idea, that
we can alter the way other people perceive us...
simple idea right?
well what about the way that we see ourselves...
can we blind that as well...?
my whole life
i have felt microscopic.
there are a lot of things that i don't understand about myself.
in order to cope with that... i
drowned myself in the idea that no one else
can understand me either...

i remember
i was 8, and my mom was pregnant
i had grown up for 8 years without my
sister...
my mom was in the living room.
and i was as well, doing homework.
and i saw a spider on the ceiling..
i told my mom...
she looked at me... and was like..
go get a broom and kill it...
i hated spiders...
i had sort of an unnatural phobia
that my dad and brother found absolutely hilarious...
and so i told her i couldn't
she looked at me... like i was
the most horrible child
like she hated me...
like she hoped the baby she was about to have
would be a better child that i was.
she yelled... "SHIT"
and she stomped over to the broom.
and killed the spider...

are you serious?

i am laughing at your face right now...
well, i would be if you were here
honestly, it's a good poem
but it's lacking in experience
with all of the
word placements...
and strategic grammar
and flow
it's a good poem.
but at the same time
it's one of the most horrible things
i've ever read in my entire life.
you've never done any of that.
why don't you try writing something real?
something believable.
i can understand that we're different people
but i'd rather write a shitty poem that came from my heart
but maybe that's the huge barrier between
you and i.

ode to some pretty people

and their notes
that make me not
do stupid things
thanks,
i love you too :)

waiting waiting waiting waiting...

church... is sort of like
a pot full of fortune cookies...
hmmm, okay maybe like a room full of people
that have pots full of fortune cookies
and the cookies are like... special tonics
they're all guaranteed to cure at least one ailment. very specific
and so, if you get a chance to talk to the people
with the cookies.
it is safe to assume that they will try to read you
the fortune that will apply to your life the most.
or the problem.
the sickness....
the feeling.
wellllll that was my thought of the day.

at a loss

i just got this huge feeling of alone-ness
and im not really sure that it can be fixed.
and i was so happy
because the funk of first semester had finally worn off
i swear im cursed
once i start talking about how i conquered something,
it comes back to bite me in the butt
maybe it really isn't gone
and once i get back to school
it'll be all over the place
and
ugh, im just freaking out right now
and i keep forgetting
that my friends have lives of their own
and i should stop asking them to visit mine
because that's selfish
and i should be a good person.

well im not.