spent

for the past 5 hours
i have been painstakingly drawing
a cute little gypsy lady...
my hand hurts now
but, she looks okay

i think it's interesting that
after that ... first semester in art class
i can't look at things without noticing
the shading or
if i had a pencil, this is how i would do it
or, if i had a pen... i would put that there..
it's really crazy, but i love it
i do.
and the gypsies do too :)

maybe i'll post some of the work later, but
it never looks the same on the computer

taking the plunge

after many days of endless "thinking about it"
i have finally followed through with it...
i have started the pointillism method...

and i am happy.
i started out with
an eye

after all it seemed fitting...
and so now i am working on the face.
and we'll see if
i have found my niche...

there's nothing i can do...

i feel like i should be atoning for my sins
i enjoyed my day
but there are people dying...
i love my family
but there are those who have no family to love
i enjoy food
but there are those who can't eat
i feel like i am somehow in the wrong
for not being able to help them.
i have no way of helping them
and in my inability
we both suffer.

hope

i kind of want a relationship like theirs...

the medicine

one of the things i hate about being home,
is that my parents seem to think that it is a good
idea to fit everyone into little stereotypes
and when you get to my house... you will hear little phrases like
she did that because, or
did you do that because
but they want you to say those things... to them.
and it's really annoying, it pisses me off, my family
all of them say these little phrases
that clearly show they want you to tell them about themselves
or spout of some technical mumbo jumbo
or they want to feel intelligent by letting you know
that they know why someone did something.. and
it aggrivates me, because when i talk.
obviously i'm doing the same thing
and i need them to tell me about myself.
except the kicker is.
i don't. i don't want them to.
and when i tell hem not to
obviously that is a hardcore guarantee
i really do want them to say things.

so my dad and got into a fight the other night.
it's... so strange
i've been enjoying myself at home... for the most part...
a week ago, on tuesday... tuesday was a very good day for me
i've been a mix between apathetic and... fluttery
ever since. it's not a huge improvement. but there
has still been a change.
well that change turned.
my dad took chad and i out to go see if we could find
chad a leather jacket. so we were in the car on the way back
and for some reason, my father thinks that he needs
to shower me with praises. tell me how good of a person he
thinks i am. and every time he does
i just want him to stop.
it's so frivolous
and honestly, it's not me at all. he doesn't know anything about me
and when i tell him i don't want him to say anything
he gets all offended.
so i have stopped talking
but then he wants a response. and i don't want to give him one
by the time he says all that he feels is necessary
i'm in a very pissed off mood.
very grouchy... and agitated

my dad ended his whole little spiel about me
and i was mad at him... so i didn't say anything
so he started yelling at me.
he's convinced that i have confrontation issues
and i do.
except the thing is
i already asked him to stop
but he started provoking me.
i couldn't go anywhere
i just wanted to leave
dad, stop. i don't want to talk about this
dad, no i'm serious. i don't want to talk
dad. i don't want to talk to you.
and he wouldn't stop yelling at me.
he trapped me, in the car
and was yelling, telling me that it
doesn't matter if i don't want to talk
because he needs to help me.
and i was sitting there.
almost having a panic attack
because he's not letting me
stop talking to him.
and all i want to do is run away.
i never said anything about needing to fix
anything. and so he's going to provoke me
and make sure that i have the reaction that
he thinks i will have
as long as he manipulates the situation.
and won't stop until i do. so that
he can tell me
that i need help.
and it's like this huge bubble
has been blown around me
and inside is full of this sticky
nasty looking panic
and all i want to do is get it off of me
and i want to get as small as i can,
so that it all goes away
and when i open my mouth
to tell it to stop
the bubble gets larger
and there's more anxiety
and it's this horrible
feeling of
helplessness...

a spoonfull of sugar

myspace vs. facebook

it's so weird to see all of these people
who were born in '93
.... sigh...
well
i have recently joined the land of facebook :)
having been a myspace-er for a year or two now..
and obviously with my 19 hours of experience with facebook
i am quite qualified to make a comparison haha.

the one thing i really liked about facebook
is that it's really easy to talk with people.
with that little IM thing at the bottom.
as far as i know, myspace doesn't do that.

but other than that.
they're pretty much the same...

disheartened

my memories seem to fade
and for some reason
the you, you are now
doesn't seem like the you
that you should be
and i want you to change... or to become
again, something real,
something i remember
but i'm too scared to ask you
and if i did ask you
i'd be too afraid that you
would say no
because this new you
doesn't care, like the old you
would have.

the first draw-off

my brother and i, decided that we should have a draw off today. to see how different our pictures would turn out. we both have completely different techniques... and so, at like 1:30 ish we started... and just finished about 20 minutes ago..
so, it was definitely an experience... anywho. to see the finished product, you'll just have to come over... uhm. this is the picture that we drew though... :)

the aftermath

of a good day
surprisingly,
is still a good day... :)

and sweetbreads is now, one of my
ultimate favorite songs... :)

homeleave

my brother called me yesterday
and sadly informed me that he won't be picking me up
for homeleave...
grandma wants him to go up to hacketstown and get some
presents that she sent down with grandpa...
so, i have to go home with my mother.
and my dad said he was thinking about coming
which means, he will... or he'll make some
excuse not to come and sit at home and sell things
on ebay.
i don't even really want them to come up
i know that i'm not going to have any form of civil conversation with
either of them
i don't have anything to say

there isn't any nice left in me... at all
not enough for small talk
or, bma gossip...
and i'm dreading it.

i've said it before.

but i think i'm going to cancel my blog.
these aren't my private thoughts anymore.
they are not free from scrutiny
by individuals.
they aren't hidden, like i want them to be..
so i think i'm canceling it.

probably just because i'm really pissed off
right now... and probably will be for the rest of today
and, i don't need to deal with this right now.

aww moment

tonight i watched the nightmare before christmas for the first time with some of my most favorite people. i like the end, of the very last song. im considering trying to sing it for my recital... haha.

i think, that christmas vacation is coming at a very good time. i really just want to get away. perhaps not at home. but. a breath of fresh air may be good for me. my father and i have sort of entered a cold war. and i no longer want to reside at my... residence. nor do i want to take the act tomorrow. or go on tour.... however it seems that christmas is going to be very unenjoyable this year. what with the abscence of my brother, and the lack of christmas cheer. then new years with unwanted guest. ah, but yes, this is the dawn of the new day. i should be happy that these new opportunities are being arisen.

messiah weekend

well, it's here...
today my companions and i are going to be subjected
to hours of practice, gallons of tea, and ... a crowd of parents.
their parents that is...
not mine.

i didn't mean it, i'm sorry

i was about to say that wallow is a palindrome.
but unfortunately i am mistaken.

i just sneezed like 10 times in a row.
normally, this would be making me laugh
but, i am afraid to report that i am a bit
or... i guess i should say, a lot under
the weather.
maybe it's just that time of year again
but, i've been congested all day today
with a horribly present head ache.
that did NOT go away with tylenol...
i think it did knock out the fever.
which was 98.9 after i took it..

i wish that i could use that as my
excuse for being a jerk this
weekend. but honestly. i don't think it
does. poor nikki. i've been beating her up
and making it seem like it's her fault.
i am so disgusted with myself right now.
the only reason i get mad at her is
because she has what i don't.
and i can't. and i'm jealous.
so i find things to nit pick her for.
and i'm so sorry.
i don't deserve my friends.

we had the sa christmas party last night
and all i could do was criricize everything
and walk around like i hated life.
i hate this person i'm becoming.
it's not me.

i keep waiting for the reasoning to pop
out and hit me on the forehead.
THIS is why you've been acting this way
THIS is why
THIS is why
but i haven't found any of them yet.

i just want it to stop.
i want all of the people i love to
wake up
and realize that they don't want me in
their lives.
i want my dad to wake up, and be happy
again.
and i want to go to sleep
i want to sleep
then i wouldn't have to walk around
with an aura of disgust
and i wouldn't have to stare at this
disgustingly bulbous body every morning in the
mirror,
and i wouldn't have to think about everything
so hard.
and i wouldn't have to pretend like
everythings okay.
even though everyone knows that it's not.
and i wouldn't have to feel like no one cares anymore

and i think... i'm most excited about not waking up.
and it scares me how serious i really am about it
i don't want to wake up.
ever.

this summer, was one of the worst
i didn't do anything.
because i'm not good at anything.
everything i do, is pathetic, and awful and WRONG
it's like the slightly less powerful midas touch.
i feel like a plague
that's destroying everything good and joyous.
and i just want it to end.
the only thing i'm good at
is crying
and stealing the nase's tissues and advil.

i heard someone say a few days ago,
in a childrens story in church
that if you pray, god will take care of
all of your problems.
well... maybe i'm doing it wrong.

another epiphany...

i was looking for this verse in my bible, and when i found it. i jumped a little bit. off of the cream pages, it was enfolded in the unmistakable highlighter yellow. immediately, i was met with flashbacks. to a time when my bible was new and needing color. to a time when i was under the impression that if you read the verse over and over, your life would change for... the better? this verse was supposed to be encouraging. so i marked it. in the hopes that it would be. and yet, i still haven't followed through with what it instructs me to be. and i question.
why. because this wasn't written for me. it's not for me. so i don't feel the need to apply it. because my name isn't written in sparkly pink letters with an arrow to 10. and i wonder what will make me snap back into a belief that will be meaningful to me when the yellow is actually ... good.

my numbers are jumbled...

sigh
i'm back at the
B
M
A
and, it was really cold last night
not even mildly, or
bearable
but really
and unfortunately...
so, it took a little while getting to sleep
but, i did.. eventually

i don't know what to do now.
nikki gave me an over thousand
page book to read.
maybe i should go and start that soon....

(is it bad that i don't
enjoy christmas songs?)