tired

of packing.


i need a break from life.
i was actually thinking earlier tonight how much
i just want to go somewhere FAR away
and just... be on my own for a while.
i'm so sick of being around the people...
that i'm around right now (at home)

and i would like nothing better
than to go somewhere else
and reinvent myself

have a fresh start
you know?

but i can't
because, it's ...


very very unlikely that i will ever get to.

just how it's very very unlikely that i will actually enjoy the next few years..

ah, rest...

so, after a very hectic morning. of not having my computer
i now get to enjoy this evening of pc-pro-ness

my poor roddrick had been acting funny lately.
he was around three breaths short of a break down
so i coppied all of my files onto the new ipod
-whose name is Vittorio-
and... sigh.... erased my hard drive.

so now, after a very inconvenient computer less day
i have most of my necessary things back on my roddrick
and can now rest easy
knowing that he might have four breaths
before he departs to the big pc convention in the sky

Vittorio on the other hand, had been a very pleasant surprise.
and i think, we will enjoy a very long and exciting relationship together. :D

i just got home.

my mom came to pick me up and brought me this paper that my sister wrote for one of those back to school project things. so, she wrote this paper about me.
it says

"my sister is an artist. she draws like you can not believe. she has a big room. she is mostly fun. she is the greatest sister. that is all i can say about her."

i thought it was really cute.
except for that mostly fun part.. :D

psalm 9...

yesterday. i had a really good day.
almost.
yesterday was Tuesday. and i had been looking forward to Tuesday for some time. i would get my picture proofs, we would elect bel canto officers. i would only have one day until home leave.
so yesterday i wore a really cute outfit. because i felt good... and everything was going great! until i got to leadership bible class.
when i got to class, we started talking about oh, all of those topics that you would normally talk about in a bible class. and i started getting really aggravated. which I've noticed starts happening whenever I'm in a spiritual situation. like vespers. or chapel. i turn my mind off. because i don't want to listen to it. i don't want to hear any of it. so i was contemplating the reasoning behind my sudden disinterest for these topics and i realized it's because, i don't care. i don't care about what they have to say. and i don't want to hear it. i was in the middle of class and everyone was voicing those spoon fed opinions and i felt so angry at them all. I'm tired of the expected answers when it comes to God.
so as i was walking down to bel canto after class, i was thinking to myself. do i care about the bible? because i only read parts of it because people tell me that i should. but honestly, i don't think i do. i don't think that i can subscribe to believing in the bible. i haven't even read the whole thing. but if i don't care about the bible. do i care about God? no. i don't think that i do. i don't have a reason to believe in him. i don't know where he is. and the whole time, i was three steps away from hyperventilating because. it's awful.
i never wanted to be one of those people that didn't believe in him. never. i didn't understand why people would say things like "god doesn't exist" because of everything that i had been told by everyone else. it was sort of like a "duh, why can't you see this?" sort of deal.
and i was freaking out because i was turning into one. and it scared me. immensely.
so all during bel canto, i was crying my eyes out. and mr. flores picked that practice to sing the "solo" or whatever, and it didn't go as horribly as it could have. but, you could tell. so pooper asked to practice it after, (we were getting out early) and so of course we ended up talking about my puffy eyes and i ended up telling him. hmm.. he seems to have a knack for that kind of thing. so i talked it over with him. there were a lot of "i don't knows"
but afterwards, i didn't feel any less freaked out. or like i had done anything. so i went back to my room and packed and such.
but i was thinking about it before i went to bed.
i thought it was kind of funny because i still had the "I'm going to talk to God before i go to bed mentality"
so this morning, i was in the shower and i was trying to think of reasons not to believe in God. and i couldn't think of any.
and i realized that my reasoning for denouncing him, didn't hold up.
i won't decide to believe in him, but i'll decide not to?
seems kind of ridiculous.
and in my 10 minute shower, i was trying to think of anything that could sway my decision.
and i found one.
i cannot subscribe to evolution.
it seems like a silly enough answer right?
and if i strongly believe in creation, it's a fair guess that i should also have belief in a creator, or else my whole foundation is ... gone.
and right now, it's a good enough reason for me.
i think i'm okay with deciding to believe in God. because the truth is, i don't know what i would do if i didn't believe in him. i don't think i'm capable of NOT believing. maybe it's a part of growing up in the church. i'm not really sure. but, i wouldn't feel complete if i denounced him.

as of right now, i'm not entirely sure where i stand on every subject or element of anything religious. but, i have decided.
i have made my choice.
and right now, i feel content.

i'm going home today. so i'll take a break from my mind for a few days, and when i get back, maybe i'll try to appreciate things.
i'm not claiming anything right now. except God.


and i think i'm okay with this decision.

kind of but not quite...

i am in a very fluctuating mood right now

i want to be inspired by something
i want to feel passionate about anything

but i want to rest...
to catch up with life..
to breathe

so, as you can see, it's quite difficult for my mood to be satisfied..
it's all so very demanding.

i would say currently, i am not happy.
more annoyed if anything. i got an email from an old friend today. and i was annoyed by the way she tried to tell me things that i already knew. like she was the authority on my life, and everyone else's. and yet. it just makes me incredibly disgusted with myself. it's like i prefer to judge rather than to see the sides.

so amidst the trying to figure out what i will be doing with the rest of my life, planning out every inch of my homeleave (including trying to be polite to my family, trying not to step on people's toes, trying to figure out every little tiny detail of family formalities) trying to get through the next few days, reforming my dastardly ways, i also have to deal with this new ounce of self hate so lavishly heaped upon me.

so this afternoon i was trying to find things to look forward to. things to make me smile.
1. the seniors receive their picture proofs tomorrow. and i am supremely curious as to how they have turned out.
2. my anniversary with pooper is coming up on the ninth of november. and i have planned out an elaborate gift for him. (which should cause stress but surprisingly doesn't. but now i have to deal with the whole, "no we're not going out, it's the anniversary of the starting point of our friendship" but i don't want to tell people. it's not something that i think they would understand. i haven't told anyone what my big plan is yet. i don't think i'm going to."
3. i picked out four songs for my senior recital today. which means practice practice practice! but, i'm happy. because now i have something to work on. a goal i guess to keep me sane for the rest of the semester.


i love life. i really do. it's just i'm not sure i know how to appreciate it yet. and it depresses me ever so slightly.

calm

right now, i feel very relaxed.
which is a stretch at most.
this morning i was entirely shrouded in doubt.
the fair mr. stewart asked me if i would be willing to lead out in song service at his church plant. which of course, i said yes to. and of course should have said no to. i am no good at getting up front. as is evidence by my focus week fiasco. so i should not have agreed. so last night, and well into this morning. i was freaking out for obvious reasons. and afterwards. i was very depleted and void of energy. because i failed. miserably. but later i stepped out and played a little badminton... a strange sport for a reed. (in fact, all sports are strange for the reeds... )

so that was my day...

i also got called for jury duty...
strange, since i'm still a minor...
hum.

release

the time has come, for me to accept the fact. that i am a jerk. i know i have said this before, but let me explain... a few weeks ago, we were supposed to have picked our bel canto dresses... and we did. i was out voted 5 to 1. yes i was a smidge peeved. but i got over it right?
well, we got the dresses yesterday (let me just say that yesterday was an incredibly awful day for me)so when we got the dresses, it was like "ugh i can't believe how ugly they are" and i was incredibly free with my opinions. i was upset. i was frustrated. but i was too critical. i realize that i made a mistake. it was not the best thing to do. as is evidence by the offense that i caused a friend of mine. i called to apologize. but as these things often go, she didn't really accept it. she said everything was fine. but i saw her today and it's not how they seem. i will believe her. and not assume that she is still mad at me. but, it's hard not to. i feel very stuck. also because we're voting whether or not to keep the dresses today. and if they get revoked. how will she feel? it didn't help that i was the one trying to organize the whole thing. like i said. i am a jerk. so i stepped down. and now i will just be one of the masses. i will vote. share my opinion when necessary. but i still feel really awful about what happened... i don't know how to fix it. it seems as if i'm being unnecessarily disgusting lately.

i found The Glass Menagerie in the library a few days ago, and found a part that i related to completely.
the son is entirely frustrated by his mother, and after too much, he simply explodes, screaming this.

"i'm going to opium dens! Yes opium dens of vice and criminal hangouts, mother i've joined the Hogan gang, I'm a hired assassin, i carry a tommy gun in a violin case! i run a string of cat hoses int he valley. they call me killer. killer wingfield. i'm leading a double-life a simple honest warehouse worker by day, by night a dynamic czar of the underworld mother. i go to gambling casino's, i spin away fortunes at the roulette table. i wear a patch over one eye and a false mustache, sometimes i put on green whiskers. on those occasions they call me el diablo! oh i could tell you many issued to make you sleepless. my enemies plan to dynamite this place. they're going to blow us all sky-high some night! i'll be glad, very happy. and so will you! you'll go up on a broom stick over blue mountain with seventeen gentlemen callers. you ugly babbling witch!"

and while he's yelling, he breaks his sisters glass menagerie...
and he regrets. he mourns. his mistakes.

and this is pretty much how i reacted... except about dresses
not... drugs...

finally figured out

i think i have finally realized why..

let me explain.
this morning, i was in the music office with kyle and we started talking about the mission trip. he asked me if i was going to go and i said no. he then asked me why, and my gut response was "because i wouldn't want to cheat anyone"
i think this is probably one of the reasons why i am the way that i am... i don't like being a part of something, when i'm not fully involved, or capable of becoming involved completely. i'm not passionate about very many things. and yes, going on a mission trip would be exciting. but if i went, and someone else didn't. i would feel incredibly guilty. because they probably have more initiative than i do.
this year, i don't feel like being in bel canto. why? because i'm not ready for it. i'm not prepared to deal with everything. i'm not excited about school.
all of these things is just... bearing down on my mind. i want to become passionate, but there is nothing for me to do that with.
i haven't yet figured out why i'm so void of emotion, or i guess i should say incredibly bipolar right now. but at least a smidge of the puzzle has been filled. yes?
i'm still frustrated with so many things. not a day goes by when i don't feel like bursting into a flood of tears. and talking to people only makes it worse. it's an unnecessary burden upon innocent souls.
a few nights ago i had a breakdown. i was on the phone with my dad, and i couldn't even control it. i didn't see it coming at all. it was a complete surprise. i was and am still very upset about the whole thing. it sparked from the conversation "what am i doing with my life" i freaked out. and i couldn't even feel release through talking with him. it was like i was robbing him of his chance to speak to me. i was wasting his time by making him listen to my pathetic story...
i feel like i'm draining everyone of their happiness. like i'm destroying them by being concerned about me.
and the funny thing is. i'm a listener. i'm supposed to be listening to them talk about what makes them upset. not the other way around

right now though. i feel very lost.
i haven't found my niche yet. so i'm borrowing the space of others.

and it's not right
it's not okay

forever

it seems like it's taken at least forever since i've begun attending at bma...
i just want to get out.
so far, we've had to deal with the stresses of senior retreat
and bel canto dresses
mosaics
forced fun.
and it's only entering the fourth week.
i'm not sure how much more of this i can take...

sigh... all summer i wanted to get in
and now all i want to do is get out...

but perhaps, sometime soon, it will get better...
right?
at least that is what my dad keeps trying to tell me.. but i'm not sure how much i'm willing
and or accepting of that idea
seeing as how he's been saying it since he lost his job like a bazillion years ago....
still doesn't have another one.

and it feels like forever since i've enjoyed life...
like forever since i've laughed without hesitation
forever since i haven't missed someone...