i don't mind

if this is what you're claiming
i don't mind at all
but what you need to know
is that i am not willing to be your accomplice
you go ahead
you do what you want to do
but i'm not coming with you
don't do that
don't ask me
i'm not going to tell you what you did wrong
i'm not going to hold your hand
and play like everythings fine
this sick game you're playing
i don't want to be a part of it
stop trying to involve me in it
i'm not feeding your excuses.
i'm not going to give you hints as to what you can do
to make it seem like you're healing
what i see and what you think
aren't the same
you got us here
this is your fault
and now that you see that you've endangered more than yourself
you're trying to fix it
which is a noble cause but
i'm not going to spoon feed all of the answers to you
so what do you need to do to make it seem okay
well... if you need to pretend
something's wrong
if you need to prove it
it's not okay
i'm not willing to be a pawn in your charade
i give up
you're on your own
you want to be okay
fine... be okay
but don't ask me to help you lie to me

just put a little music to it

once again love has come with promises and dreamers too bad but i'll fight tooth and nail for the cream of the crop i gave you my heart and you gave me a nickel supply and demand 'you'll just take what you get'

and i'm not listening

there's this thought in my head can you guess what it is we've been dancing around it for dozens of days and you've gone away to the bakers to ask just pray it's not friday and we'll be okay

with a boat that won't start with the sea as my witness i'll stand and deliver a faulty ignition for a starter or two. and i know dear that you've heard a good joke once or twice but i'd pay the ferryman to take me to the side of my life. you're just an island and i'm just a pirate if x marks then it's all i got. bring the paddle to use as a shovel to bury your secrets and discover another.

occasionally

i find the best things in life
occur at 2 in the morning...
such as tonight
i am unable to fall asleep
although
i suppose
i would very quickly if i tried to
BUT
see the thing is
i really do not want to
so..... placebo no?
tonight
i made my dad watch la vita e bella with me
i thought it might do him some good
and of course tomorrow he is going to write me an essay
because he's a teacher
and i asked him to
and since he has nothing better to do with his time
... why not? right?
of course right.
tonight... well
yesterday, i guess
i cleaned up my musical library
seeing as how i dont really like the
vulgarity of things
i figured i might as well not listen to them
right?
so i deleted all of the songs that i fount
even slightly atrocious
which means farewell to some of the national
and damien rice.
actually it made me kind of sad
i love the national.
so much
Matt Berninger's voice is amazing
well... not really but it's soothing
he has this way of making my defenses just
drop!
and i'm left listening to this
wonderful melodic noise that i just can't
seem to get out of my head
and it's crazy
but sadly
he has the tendency to say some not very nice things
so i kept the kosher songs
and got rid of the icky ones...
it was still an experience...
at this very moment
i am going to put up some pictures on my wall
and in the next moment i'm going to decide not to
and wait until tomorrow
when i can see straight... :)
yup

today is the day

i got my permit

'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.........................aaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaa oh my goodness it's a squirrel what do i do?
what do i do?
he's in the road
he's in the ROAD dad what do i do?
what do i do?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

yup......


that though... is not the squirrel
or my picture
but it is kind of cute though isn't it?

i am lost

in my mind
i'm trying to find things to do
to change my perspectives maybe
anyways
i have a surprise for fish
and i can't tell you
because she might read it
but it's very cool
i hope she likes it...

i have written two letters today
and i will send them
eventually

i wrote
on a boat
near a moat
while afloat
and a dote
of a goat
tried to gloat

farewell

reasons

i just switched the language of my blog
to french
a very interesting experience
i've decided that i do want to go to france
whenever i can
sometime in the future
right now i'm awake
but i shouldn't be

i have but one thing to say

i love you to pieces

today

is my birthday....
i suppose i should be happy and joyous.. correct?
instead
i feel dread
"i don't wanna grow up i'm a toys r us kid"
except i do want to be old
just not in age
i want to be old in knowledge
in experience
but not in age
i want my mind to grow old
but not my heart

it's like this secret mission between myself and i

strange fruit

Southern trees bear a strange fruit,
Blood on the leaves and blood at the root,
Black bodies swinging in the Southern breeze,
Strange fruit hanging from the poplar trees.

Pastoral scene of the gallant South,
The bulging eyes and the twisted mouth,
Scent of magnolias, sweet and fresh,
Then the sudden smell of burning flesh!

Here is a fruit for the crows to pluck,
For the rain to gather, for the wind to suck,
For the sun to rot, for the trees to drop,
Here is a strange and bitter crop.


~billy holiday

easier

after everything happened
it became just that
easier to say no
easier to walk away
easier to go back to sleep instead of waking up
and then i'm faced to face all of the things that i'm trying to run away from
and it becomes harder
to not want to talk to you

why must all decisions be followed by debates
why must i need to decide whether or not i actually want this?

i want to know
but i don't want to be involved.
i want to listen
but i don't to hear
and i don't want you to either
i don't want to tell you that i miss you terribly
i don't want to tell you that i can't sleep at night because of how we left
i don't want to tell you that every time i see you my heart leaps into my throat again just like when we first met
i don't want to have you know me anymore

but that's why we failed in the first place.
you said tell me
and i said no
but then became mad
for you not understanding
the problem is not with you
it never was
but
i don't want to know
that i'm the one who screwed up
because it's so much easier to blame you
it's so much easier
to run away
i don't want you to know
that i'm a coward
i don't want you to know
that i'm weak
i don't want you to know
i don't want you to know
i don't want you to know
i don't want you to know
i don't want you to know
i don't want you to know
i want you to know