depression.

i can fight it... i can beat it. i will win.

recently, my days have been chock full of nothing. i go to class, and since i'm out of work... nothing there. so pretty much i sit around trying to be interested in something. but a few days ago i was asked to make some illustrations. so that's been on my mind for a little bit. i just started last night. and these things are going to be huge. i've got this intense 11x15 paper, and i've decided to use all of it. (minus a 1 in. border). and pretty much everyone knows i'm more of a picture in your pocket kind of girl. so this is really new to me. but i'm excited.

but, this is the only new thing that's happening in my life so far.

yep.

BIG NEWS!

OMG! i just found out that some states have state dinosaurs!

how frickin' awesome is that?

ah, sigh... i had to say it somewhere,

New Jersey's is - Dinosaur

love it.

C:

It's been a while...

so, it would seem that monumentally important things have been happening in my life, in just the past few weeks. the first being, that my brother celebrated his 22nd birthday. and i made him cupcakes with mustaches on them. here is a picture.

they were "spice" with cream cheese frosting. also i have finally... after weeks, and months, and years! of contemplating. have finally gotten my silly little ears pierced. want to see? here you go...

and! also, after an incredibly tumultuous experience at my job, i have finally quit. today, i turned in my two weeks notice. my last day is october 10. and i have already had an interview. (kind of) i would show you a picture, but you can see that it would probably be kind of rude for me to take pictures of myself while telling my boss that i no longer wish to be employed by them. but right after work today, i went down to the sandwich shop, and asked for an application. the manager handed one to me, and said that if i filled it out right then, he would talk with me. so i did. and he did! he said that he would have hired me right there on the spot if they hadn't had so many applications. (because now, i have experience... and i carry around the stench of success). and that made me feel really good. when he was finished talking with me, i walked over to borders, and i talked with a manager, she said to apply online, but she took my name, and said she would look out for my application...

there is also this little sandwich shop about 20 min. south of me, it's called the little picnic basket. and i think i'm going to see if they will hire me. and then if that doesn't work. i will see if there are coffee shops in the area that need my "flare"

i'm feeling really good about this. i feel like i'm taking control of my life, again. but hopefully this time... i will be the one who comes out on top.

well, that's over.

school has started. and now! i'm starting to feel torn in two. i switch back and forth during the day between

A) oh man, i'm so glad i'm in school again, now my life has purpose

B) crap. why on earth did i do that. now my life has purpose....

haha. i know, so dramatic!

it's been a little tough with work and everything. there were 4 full time people working and then 2 regular part time (myself included) but then one of the full time workers got another job, and is now part time (only a few nights a week) and another one got fired. so it's been a little hectic. especially since the 2 left, have only been working there about 6 or 7 weeks. sigh... so i'm working all weekend. to try and help out, before they find replacement workers.

i need to quit my job. :)

in other news. i think i'm going to start seriously looking into studying abroad. if everything works out the plan is

to finish out the semester, quit my job. and then start a month long road trip across the US (and back) so if i have nothing holding me back - and the travel bug- i think right then, would be the best time for me to high-tail it outta here. and just see where i end up...

i feel really empty. really alone.

like i should have gone to bed hours ago.

like i should cry my eyes out

get it out of me.

i want it out of me.

i just want. this. whatever it is.

out.

get it out.

i don't want to eat anything.

because i'll wake up tomorrow, and

see it laughing at me.

like a little kid who got a way with something.

i don't want to think about it.

i don't want to talk to you.

give me a reason

one that makes sense.

i'll show you what i see.

and you'll see why i close

my eyes all the time.

i need this.

i need this to cover up all the noises.

my arms are tired.

my ears are too big for my hands now.

i keep shaking

and shaking and

shaking my head.

but they get louder

and louder and

louder.

i'm having trouble falling asleep tonight. every little noise is getting on my nerves. i can't relax, or clear my head... sigh. is this what i have to look forward to? no thank you.

weekend.

every time i see this chair ( i pass it around 3-4 times a month) i tell myself, i'm going to take a picture with it... and so on friday, we did.. C:

this is my dad... with his awesome mustache... again for free. so many people complimented him. it was so great...

so! this, is the elephant that the face-painting lady drew on my face, for FREE! i know it's a little messed up, but i think it's pretty incredible that i was able to keep it for as long as i did.

trauma.

today, my dad and i took caleigh to six flags. we had just gotten in the park and already conquered the enchanted teacup ride, and HOUDINI'S GREAT ESCAPE! we saw the signs for Superman, and decided to have a go. when we walk all the way to the end of the line, it turns out there's a 90 minute wait. but caleigh said she wanted to go for it. so we stand there. apparently the temperatures got up in the 90's today, and it was all up on's while we were standing there. i was starting to feel a little woozy, but i figured it was because i didn't get enough sleep, or i needed to hydrate or something. i was joking with my dad that i felt like i was going to pass out. so we keep going (now we're at the 60 min wait mark) and i'm feeling all out dizzy now. the world spins when i move five centimeters. so i'm trying to rest my head, or lean over. or you know, try to get my footing back again. we get up to the 30 min. wait mark, and nothing has gotten better. i tell my dad that i'm dizzy - this whole time, he's been telling me, "it's because of the teacups, it really messes you up"- i'm holding onto the fence, because i can't stand up by myself, and i close my eyes for a second. my head feel so tingly. like when you stand up to quickly. i'm spinning so fast. and -bam- the next thing i know, i "wake up" on the ground. some stranger is holding the back of my head. my sister has the park map over my face. and i'm shaking. they kept telling me not to move. not to get up. and i was so embarrassed, i kept trying to get up, and tell them i was okay. but they made me stay down. my head started throbbing. they poured water on it, but that made it worse, and they saw blood. security gets there, and walks me through the line of people towards the exit, and this old guy takes me and my sister (because she felt dizzy too, and sat down in the middle of the walkway) to the first-aid hut. there are all of these cots and my sister and i picked two and laid down. they drew the curtains around us. the only think i could think of was, holy crap. i ruined the day, it was supposed to be special, they're going to hate me, what if the cut on my head is really serious and i need stitches. what if they need to shave a part of my head. if we leave now, will they let us come back another day for free.... all this stuff. so the nurse comes over and looks at my head, she says there's a lot of blood but the actual cut isn't too bad. and so we stay for a little bit... it didn't hurt too bad or anything but for some reason i couldn't stop crying. like the whole experience just made me go into panic mode or something... (that's right. i'm a crybaby... maybe even a sissy...) so we leave, end up staying the rest of the day, and that's that.

first time this has ever happened to me... and it was weird. but when we got home, it turns out that the cut the nurse saw, wasn't the one that was doing the leaking. there are a few back there, and if i had gone to the E.R. they probably would have given me a stitch or two. but since now it's my call, i'm not going... i'll be fine. it's just a little swollen.

so i've washed all the blood out of my hair, hopefully... and looks like i'm headed to work tomorrow. C:

great. adventure.

i'm just really tired. not fatigue tired... but

irritated, i guess.

because we said we wouldn't do this.

and now you're doing it. and i have to

pretend like i'm okay with it...

well i'm not.

because you didn't just walk away from "them"

you walked away from me too....

spree.

for the longest time, my mom's favorite candy was crunch bars.

and then for some reason, she switched to spree, and claimed she was always a fan.

she pulled out these giant boxes of stuff the other day. just stuff that she had kept over the years. it made me feel like we have a connection of some sorts, (because i have like 3 mini boxes full to bursting with bma and college stuff) anywho. she had these two exploding shoe boxes of love letters that my dad used to send her. and i mean these things were adorable... apparently he used to call her "precious" and they're all in this super grandma cursivey type handwriting... and it's just... adorable... she even showed me some photo's that she took for a photography class in college...

oh, also, on that front. i'm going to school again. because... i feel like i'm never going to go back if i quit now, and i'm so close to getting my associates.... so i figured, why not...

also...

plan A: is to get a job at a hotel that will let me transfer to scotland.

plan B: is to get my baker's certificate and work in bakery's and cake shops and stuff

plan C: is to join the circus...

and that's that. C:

dig it.

found.

today, i was cleaning... and organizing (hopefully) i came across this paragraph inside one of my old bma notebooks. and it said...

"I love you, too... I love you incredibly. Let me kiss the hem of your dress. - Let me, please! I can't bear to hear it rustle. Say to me: do this!- and I'll do it. I'll do anything. I'll do the impossible. Whatever you believe in, I'll believe too. I'll do anything, anything! Don't look, don't look at me like that! Don't you know you are killing me?"

p. 470

i have no idea where it came from, or what book it belongs to... but i must have liked it then, and i still really like it now... maybe the next time that i try to write something down, i should put the book there too....

because we are beautiful

and we go to the zoo.

gone.

"like yesterday IS gone, like history IS gone. the world keeps spinnin' on. you're going going gone..." oh man. the other day i tried to listen to all of those switchfoot songs that i absolutely adored when i was younger. but i couldn't handle it. i got sick of them. i ended up flipping through the whole arsenal. maybe it's time i let them go. fly free.

good news though. the lump on my neck has disappeared. maybe for good? i hope so.

today's my day off. i'm going bowling. with my lover. haha, just kidding. with my chrystal. C:

yesterday, it rained. like crazy. right after i pulled into the development, it started with the buckets. indeed. i ran up to the house, and was soaked. it took me 5 seconds. it rained like that for like 25-30 minutes. which isn't good news. because that means -flooding-. after it had let up a little bit i was going to go to whole foods (because we have no food.) but i got down the road, and saw my brother wading through this huuuuge puddle. so i turned back towards the house, and decided to call it quits. my brother's car stopped working... which means that i am without a car until someone gets home. which means, i can't get food. arg.

it's raining

the thunder made the house shake.

me too.

but i loved it.

now if only there was something to eat.

lump.

yesterday, i woke up, and there was a lump on my neck. i wasn't sure how long it had been there. or why it decided to show up... i know that i haven't been sleeping in the most desirable positions. at least not positions that would be helpful for the comfort of my neck... i wake up in the middle of the night with awful kinks. but i didn't think anything of it. i slept on a couch over the weekend. but. would that make a bubble? i showed my parent's. my mom think's it might be a swollen tendon or gland or something. but it's circular. which lead's me to believe it is not. (it's also only on one side...) my dad said it might be a cyst. he had one a few years ago on his finger. it got really large, and they had to cut it out. i remember. he still has a scar. my brother said it's cancer. and i know he's kidding. but i'm really freaking out. what if it doesn't go away. what if i need to get it removed. what if it really is cancer. what if it spreads. currently. it's the size of a dime. i can wiggle it around. and it's uncomfortable when someone puts pressure on it. it doesn't "hurt" at least not very badly. but it's not exactly the most pleasant feeling either. sigh. should i go to the doctor? (if i go to the doctors office, i might as well get my feet checked out as well)

Passion

What are you passionate about?

i do, what makes me feel strong, what i feel like has an impact on other souls. Things that make me feel ridiculous, and fill me with joy.

What will you do with the rest of your life?

I'm going to write stories on the back of napkins and draw pictures on cardboard... and leave them for strangers

Why is art meaningful to you?

Art invokes feeling. Feelings have the power of bringing everyone together and also giving us the comfort of individuality. We do not need the same feeling to appreciate art. What matters is that we are all feeling together.

when i say something dumb. something that i know is offensive. something that i know that i don't mean. something that would never escape my face if i was awake. i tend to dwell on it. i can't let it go. it's like i'm slapping myself. because that is the kind of thing that i want to distance myself from. to run as far away as physically and mentally possible. and it just comes back. creeps up, and shoots out like some internal death ray. and right now i just want to cry. because these things never need to be said. or thought. and they're all in my head.

tea/cookies

a few weeks ago, peter and i found this recipe for indonesian nutmeg tea cookies.and they were wondeful. tonight i got a craving. so i'm about halfway through making a batch of yummy goodness. my parents went out for a double date with some family friends so my brother and i decided to use this as an opportunity to bond C: apparently he has been having a "hankering" for some butterscotch cookies. so that's what he is making... we're listening to jerry reed on pandora. (i like last fm a lot better.... bleh)

and i'm thinking tonight i'll make some tea with my infuser that i got in west chester. i have yet to break it in. and i have so much tea! :O

enough said

today. they were interviewing. maybe for a new manager position. if so. we are screwed. truth.