Carly and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.

This morning, we buried my cat. His name was Smudge. I've had him for 12 years. I can't stop crying. The whole thing just doesn't seem real. I keep looking for him in his favorite places, and he's nowhere to be found. I felt so alone when I went to bed last night, I just wanted him there, I wanted him to be with me, and he wasn't.Yesterday he was sitting on my lap and purring, today he's at the bottom of a muddy hole.
He used to be kind of chunky. But he started losing weight a few months ago, his whole body just deteriorated really quickly. He got really thin, and was throwing up all of the time. Two days ago, he threw up 7 times and was hiding by the toilet and under my desk. I was so scared that he wasn't going to make it through the day. Yesterday he seemed a little better, but I was still scared. I got into an argument with my dad, and we ended up taking him to the vet against my dad's wishes.
The vet examines him and everything, and it turns out that smudge had diabetes. If we didn't treat him, he would die really quickly. He already was showing symptoms of giving up. A family friend said she thought his kidney's had already started to shut down. If that was happening, there wouldn't be anything we could do. The treatment itself would have been two insulin shots a day, and either weekly or bi-weekly trips to the vet to check his blood sugar. But in order to "treat" him, we would've had to make him go through all types of testing, which is really traumatic for cats. We also would've had to get him to a physically healthy state. Which is really expensive, and very lengthy. Also traumatic. And there is no guarantee that he would be happy, or healthy, or that he would live. The other problem is that there is no way that we could afford it.

I wanted to know what was wrong with him. I wanted to know if we could help him, and we couldn't. I couldn't take it. I still can't take it. To know that there is something we could do is just killing me inside. But we didn't have the resources, he wouldn't have been happy... So dad made the decision to put him down. I couldn't do it. i couldn't make that choice. He was such a large part of my life.
It's done. I just need to accept it. I need to say goodbye.
I just miss him...