Carly and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.

This morning, we buried my cat. His name was Smudge. I've had him for 12 years. I can't stop crying. The whole thing just doesn't seem real. I keep looking for him in his favorite places, and he's nowhere to be found. I felt so alone when I went to bed last night, I just wanted him there, I wanted him to be with me, and he wasn't.Yesterday he was sitting on my lap and purring, today he's at the bottom of a muddy hole.
He used to be kind of chunky. But he started losing weight a few months ago, his whole body just deteriorated really quickly. He got really thin, and was throwing up all of the time. Two days ago, he threw up 7 times and was hiding by the toilet and under my desk. I was so scared that he wasn't going to make it through the day. Yesterday he seemed a little better, but I was still scared. I got into an argument with my dad, and we ended up taking him to the vet against my dad's wishes.
The vet examines him and everything, and it turns out that smudge had diabetes. If we didn't treat him, he would die really quickly. He already was showing symptoms of giving up. A family friend said she thought his kidney's had already started to shut down. If that was happening, there wouldn't be anything we could do. The treatment itself would have been two insulin shots a day, and either weekly or bi-weekly trips to the vet to check his blood sugar. But in order to "treat" him, we would've had to make him go through all types of testing, which is really traumatic for cats. We also would've had to get him to a physically healthy state. Which is really expensive, and very lengthy. Also traumatic. And there is no guarantee that he would be happy, or healthy, or that he would live. The other problem is that there is no way that we could afford it.

I wanted to know what was wrong with him. I wanted to know if we could help him, and we couldn't. I couldn't take it. I still can't take it. To know that there is something we could do is just killing me inside. But we didn't have the resources, he wouldn't have been happy... So dad made the decision to put him down. I couldn't do it. i couldn't make that choice. He was such a large part of my life.
It's done. I just need to accept it. I need to say goodbye.
I just miss him...

Things that have been keeping me sane

1. My strange addiction: it's this show on TLC where they show people who have the weirdest addictions, like bodybuilding, or eating couch cushions. There was this one girl who was addicted to wearing giant animal suits. The only bad thing, is that they don't tell you any part of the recovery process, or if the person did get better. They only focus on the terrible things. The season finale is about this girl who eats pottery and cigarette ashes. She hasn't had a drink of water in a month. So awful.

2. Valentines Cookies: Peter's mom gave me a box of heart shaped valentine's day cookies, and i keep sneaking them. But I finished up all of my favorite one's, so I'm not really sure what to do with the one's I don't like as much. I'll probably be sneaking those too. My favorite were the peanut butter chocolate.

3. Cleaning: I keep cleaning everything. (Although you wouldn't have guessed that given the appearance of my house). Take today for example. This afternoon, I washed the dishes, cleaned the kitchen counters, table, and chairs. I also swept and mopped the kitchen floor. I also helped my sister clean out her closet, and attempt to rearrange her room. She wanted her bed by the window. So we moved her book case and dresser in order to fit it in, but she ended up wanting everything back the way that it was. So I pretty much got to move around furniture for an hour. But it was therapeutic I suppose.

Today, I read about the serum run to Nome Alaska in 1925. Or better known by children of the 90's as the animated film, Balto. It's so strange, because this is one of the movies that i grew up on, and the whole thing is pretty much false. There was so much controversy around which dog should get more credit. Anyways... look it up, I found it pretty fascinating.

Just don't think about it.

I went to work on Thursday night, and we were really busy. More busy than I would have expected, and I was all by myself. But it was Valentines day weekend, so I guess I should have expected it... But things were really quick and fast, and stressful. At the end of the night my boss, M, told me that everything was fine, and that no one had complained and everything went well, so I shouldn't worry. My other boss MA had the night off and she was eating with a few friends at a table that I had to serve. I cleaned up everything and as I was vacuuming, M was arguing with the dishwasher, J, pretty loudly, and I was trying not to overhear anything. When they were finished I went on my merry way but J wouldn't look me in the eyes, and M gave me a death glare. I thought it was weird, because both of them had been really nice to me. I didn't really stay on it for very long, and went home. Everything was fine. Well, I got a call Friday afternoon, from M, and she said that some people had complained, and I wasn't the kind of person that they wanted to be a server. I was messing things up that I shouldn't have been so I was fired. I was really upset, so I didn't say anything else. I have no idea what happened... but I can't stop thinking about it. The past few nights it keeps playing through my head. I will admit that things were pretty crazy and I made some mistakes, but that's normal. That's nothing to be fired over. So maybe MA was unhappy with the way that I served her table, and she is the one who insisted I go. Or maybe the argument with J and M had something to do with what I said. I don't know...
But I just can't stop thinking about it. I keep having those stress dreams, where there's a problem and you need to fix it but it's always just out of your reach. As soon as you even get close to some sort of resolution, you wake up.
I've never been fired before... and I could understand it if I had set the place on fire or something... If i had thrown boiling lava hot soup on a customer. If I flashed everybody... something outrageous like that... If I had done something wrong.
I'm upset. I'm offended.... and what do I do now? What am I supposed to do? I'm stuck. I have to get another job, but I'm almost out of school, I won't be staying at anything for very long... I'm scared that I'll be a failure again. I'm just a disappointment...

I could have taken a different position. But I worked with them because I knew them, we were friends. I was trying to do something that would be good for everyone. And I ended up getting the short end of the stick. I wasted my time.