Tumblr

Alright everyone... here we go

carlymreed.tumblr.com

i've been posting here for a little bit

you are welcome to have a look-see

C:

i did it...


i got a tumblr... C:

To-Do List

Today, I want to motivate myself... So here is what i am going to do...

Eat Breakfast
Go to my morning class
Write Jacob a letter
Transfer money from my savings to buy that horribly expensive film paper that I will use up in the blink of an eye
Buy the horribly expensive film paper (as well as some film)
If there is time, I will get myself a pair of sparkly shoes, because they make me feel glorious inside.
At some point around here, I will stuff my face with nourishing goodies. (probably just chocolate)
READ A BOOK!
-now... what to do here?-
somewhere around here, my family will come home
and I will eat with them...
before i head off to my night class and afterwards
I will go to sleep

what i would give

for an experience like this

i want to empty my mind. just get rid of all of the fear, and doubt, and insecurities....

i want to invite the universe to fill that empty space
with whatever if feels would be the most helpful to the
world around me (and to my own mental health)

i want to make myself available to being uncomfortable

i'm feeling really alone tonight...

so fresh and so clean C:

guess who is employed C:

that's right.

me!

i am officially a receptionist for a lawyer

i'm feelin' awesome

take that 2011!

today my car broke down.

but i'm not going to think about it.
i'm not going to dwell on that, or any of the other awful things that have happened this year.

tonight, i'm going to take a bath. and watch scrubs. and put a mud mask on my face

and i will play with my cat


and i will be happy

yes please?

Super-cat

My cat just saved my life.

Technically, my mom did too, but right now, i think i'm more impressed with the cat...

Tonight, I had decided that I was going to clean under my bed. Which is a task that I resign myself to every few weeks or so. I like for things to be neat and tidy. So I was pulling out the various suitcases and books, and other objects that had somehow managed to lodge themselves underneath my mattress. Just as I was reaching to pull out a bicycle shoe I saw it. It was skittering across the carpet poised and ready to strike.

Spider.

I quickly withdrew my hand and shut my eyes, praying that it wouldn't be there when I opened them again. But no! it was there! Watching me as I tried to regain my composure! I scooted backwards a ways in order to formulate some sort of plan. Then, as if he knew I was in mortal danger, my cat comes sauntering by my bedroom door. I coerced him into coming closer and pointed him in the direction of my nemesis. Immediately he attacked! Batting with his clawless feet, forcing the monster to retreat into the deepest corners of the underworld. (By underworld, I mean under my bed). I started to panic, what if my cat gave up the chase! What if the spider would lie in wait, planning his revenge? How would I sleep knowing that at any moment he could make his move?

At this point, my mom entered the room and got down on the floor to watch the fight.

I was trying to support my dear furry friend, removing obstacles where the menace could hide. I used my trusty hanger to pull old handbags from the corner, knowing that he would appreciate the advantage.

My mom suggested that I should get a flashlight so that we could see who was winning.

Somehow that crafty spider managed to hide himself so well that neither me or my cat could discover his sinister location. But the cat did not give up the chase! He kept at it and spun himself in circles awaiting to see if the spider would resurface. And indeed he did. The cat managed to chase him into the light. My mother, knowing my paralyzing fear, took it upon herself to remove the spider from my presence.

We shall raise our feline friend on our shoulders for this glorious victory! He who refused to give up, even when circumstances looked so bleak, he shall be rewarded for his service.

Even now, he is purring contentedly underneath my bed. Such bravery... I am proud.

Uhm... try rephrasing that.

Recently, an old boyfriend of mine contacted me on Facebook. Not that this is a big deal, or that it doesn't happen to quite a few people... but this particular ex was not very nice to me. Anyway, long story short, I didn't expect to ever hear from or talk to him again.
After a few weeks of being "friends" he sent me a message. So I sent one back, and he replied. There is nothing substantial in these messages at all. It pretty much consists of -
"Hey, what's up?"
"Nothing, what's up with you?"
But with the added bonus of the awkwardness that comes from people who haven't spoken in a long time.

Anyway in the reply message that he sent me, he said, " and yeah, you're looking all different and beautiful lol".
Now, the thing is, I'm not sure how I am supposed to take this. Is it really just a happy message between two people where one is commenting on the changed looks of the other? Is he trying to put the moves on me? Did he put the "lol" in there to make it seem like it wasn't any comment worth taking seriously? Who knows... but I'll tell you how I interpreted that comment.

Everyone goes through an awkward phase right? And mind just so happened to have happened at the time when I knew this kid. I was kind of chubby and awkward. A little shy... but of course massively self-conscious. I try not to think about this phase of my life. It isn't healthy to dwell on it.

If he had said, "You look different". I probably wouldn't have minded, because it's true. I do look different. So does he. That is just a fact.
If he had said, "You are looking beautiful". I probably would have been a little weirded out. I'm not sure if I would have thought much about it. I might have thought something like, oh he is just trying to be a nice guy, isn't that nice.
But to put the two together, especially the one in front of the other... It kind of makes it seem like he thought I was ugly. Or at least a little unfortunate looking. And then to have the "lol" thrown in there. Like the whole thing is one of those comments people make when whoever they are talking with is in on the same joke as they are. Like, "oh we both know how you used to look, haha, it is so great that you look different now, 'cause man you were kind of a train wreck before, hahahaha..."
Even if it's true, that doesn't make it fun to hear other people say it.

Am I thinking about this too much? Probably.... It just bothered me is all...

What do you think?

For crying out loud

All I am asking for is a one piece swim suit, that doesn't make me look like a slut, or really fat. Is that too much? Is that not possible? I don't think that I have ever found a bathing suit that I felt good in. Two years ago I bought my first two piece, and I never wore it, because it was too revealing. Before that all I wore were one pieces that my mom bought me in the women's section at the department store. They never really looked right because I wasn't old enough for them. The one's with the little skirts are not cool.
I don't want to look middle aged. I don't want to look like a sack of potatoes. And I don't want to look like a 5 year old. Where is the balance people?

christian music?

I found this article today, and I really agreed with what he said. It makes quite a bit of sense. Even though I don't take part in the "Christian Music Scene" anymore, I did for a really long time. And I was always struck by how annoying and repetitive it must be to write songs about the same subject over and over again. It makes you so limited. Like if a christian artist writes or sings about any subject other than god, they must not really be a christian.
Oh you wrote about your relationship? Wrong.
You wrote about buying a toaster? Terrible.
Why are you singing about flowers and sunshine? That's not okay.
I still find value in christian music. I guess I should say, I find value in the music that I grew up listening to. But it has nothing to do with the religious aspect of it. Jars of Clay will forever be one of my favorite bands. I associate them with some really important events.
My family was kind of pseudo-strict about the music that my brother and I listened to when we were younger. They pretty much said that we could listen to whatever we want as long as the bands were "Christian". So I didn't get to listen to all of the boy bands of the 90s even though I drooled over pictures of them in magazines. My friends got to listen to whatever they wanted and I was so jealous. I remember I went to a birthday party when I was 10, and the girl got the Shakira CD as a present. She played it on repeat for the whole rest of the day and I felt so guilty because I "wasn't allowed" to hear it. Of course I didn't say anything to her mom because nothing would have happened. She probably would have looked at me like, "what do you mean you're not allowed, that's silly". Of course as I got older, I listened to whatever I wanted. Especially when I went to BMA. Then I didn't have any restrictions. And I was quickly neck deep in music. I wasn't really very picky about my music back then. It was so different, like i was listening to music for the first time.
My dad had one of those subscriptions to the christian music magazine. Like the scholastic magazine for music. There were tons of CD's in there, and you could get 5 for $20. So every month or so when he got it, my brother and I would look over what was available and circle the one's we wanted. Then like two weeks later, we would have all of this new music to listen to. I really loved Plus One and Stacie Orrico. She was actually the first person I saw in concert. By "in concert" I mean, she was singing at the mall, and was an hour and a half late. She sang for 30 minutes.
The first CD that I bought that wasn't christian was Damien Rice's 9. I got it at circuit city, and I was SO excited. I played it really loud in my room (at home) but I had a panic moment when he started screaming "FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU" on one of the songs. I was rearranging my walls at the time, and I had to jump off of my desk and turn the volume down so that no one would hear it.
Of course I went through those phases where I would go through my music library and delete the music that I thought wasn't bringing me close to god. There was a point when I wouldn't have songs on my computer if they had curse words in them. It never lasted for very long, there was always a way to justify getting it back. Oh we are such silly people...
I guess I still try to be selective about the music that I listen to. I have music that I listen to specifically when I'm sad, or when I'm happy. But I try not to have music that makes me feel bad about myself. I try not to keep music around if it makes me feel angry, or scared.
I think it's good to have standards. Especially about the things that have an influence over you. I do my best. I've come a long way though. And I bet that I'll change as I get older. But this is how it is right now.

still moving on.

Tomorrow will mark the first week without Smudge. And I'm not going to lie, it has been really hard. The first three nights I cried myself to sleep. Things have been coming together though. It's been getting better. I still look for him in his favorite places. He used to follow me around when I made myself something to eat, and I would put my plate on the floor so he could lick it. I still put my plate on the floor every time I eat (unless I don't have a plate). He was like a family member, and I miss him. But I need to keep reminding myself that life goes on. We have other members of our family that need care and attention. I need to recognize that, and move on.

is it just me?

or does this mud mask actually improve my face? i think it really does. anywho, i've been taking pictures with my photobooth for the past few weeks. so i thought i would share some. actually, i think that all of these were in the past week... so maybe not as exciting. but here we go anyway!




my little sister has a friend named heather, this is her jacket. i put it on. jealous?

also, i'm pretty sure that i want to go to a burlesque show...

Carly and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.

This morning, we buried my cat. His name was Smudge. I've had him for 12 years. I can't stop crying. The whole thing just doesn't seem real. I keep looking for him in his favorite places, and he's nowhere to be found. I felt so alone when I went to bed last night, I just wanted him there, I wanted him to be with me, and he wasn't.Yesterday he was sitting on my lap and purring, today he's at the bottom of a muddy hole.
He used to be kind of chunky. But he started losing weight a few months ago, his whole body just deteriorated really quickly. He got really thin, and was throwing up all of the time. Two days ago, he threw up 7 times and was hiding by the toilet and under my desk. I was so scared that he wasn't going to make it through the day. Yesterday he seemed a little better, but I was still scared. I got into an argument with my dad, and we ended up taking him to the vet against my dad's wishes.
The vet examines him and everything, and it turns out that smudge had diabetes. If we didn't treat him, he would die really quickly. He already was showing symptoms of giving up. A family friend said she thought his kidney's had already started to shut down. If that was happening, there wouldn't be anything we could do. The treatment itself would have been two insulin shots a day, and either weekly or bi-weekly trips to the vet to check his blood sugar. But in order to "treat" him, we would've had to make him go through all types of testing, which is really traumatic for cats. We also would've had to get him to a physically healthy state. Which is really expensive, and very lengthy. Also traumatic. And there is no guarantee that he would be happy, or healthy, or that he would live. The other problem is that there is no way that we could afford it.

I wanted to know what was wrong with him. I wanted to know if we could help him, and we couldn't. I couldn't take it. I still can't take it. To know that there is something we could do is just killing me inside. But we didn't have the resources, he wouldn't have been happy... So dad made the decision to put him down. I couldn't do it. i couldn't make that choice. He was such a large part of my life.
It's done. I just need to accept it. I need to say goodbye.
I just miss him...

Things that have been keeping me sane

1. My strange addiction: it's this show on TLC where they show people who have the weirdest addictions, like bodybuilding, or eating couch cushions. There was this one girl who was addicted to wearing giant animal suits. The only bad thing, is that they don't tell you any part of the recovery process, or if the person did get better. They only focus on the terrible things. The season finale is about this girl who eats pottery and cigarette ashes. She hasn't had a drink of water in a month. So awful.

2. Valentines Cookies: Peter's mom gave me a box of heart shaped valentine's day cookies, and i keep sneaking them. But I finished up all of my favorite one's, so I'm not really sure what to do with the one's I don't like as much. I'll probably be sneaking those too. My favorite were the peanut butter chocolate.

3. Cleaning: I keep cleaning everything. (Although you wouldn't have guessed that given the appearance of my house). Take today for example. This afternoon, I washed the dishes, cleaned the kitchen counters, table, and chairs. I also swept and mopped the kitchen floor. I also helped my sister clean out her closet, and attempt to rearrange her room. She wanted her bed by the window. So we moved her book case and dresser in order to fit it in, but she ended up wanting everything back the way that it was. So I pretty much got to move around furniture for an hour. But it was therapeutic I suppose.

Today, I read about the serum run to Nome Alaska in 1925. Or better known by children of the 90's as the animated film, Balto. It's so strange, because this is one of the movies that i grew up on, and the whole thing is pretty much false. There was so much controversy around which dog should get more credit. Anyways... look it up, I found it pretty fascinating.

Just don't think about it.

I went to work on Thursday night, and we were really busy. More busy than I would have expected, and I was all by myself. But it was Valentines day weekend, so I guess I should have expected it... But things were really quick and fast, and stressful. At the end of the night my boss, M, told me that everything was fine, and that no one had complained and everything went well, so I shouldn't worry. My other boss MA had the night off and she was eating with a few friends at a table that I had to serve. I cleaned up everything and as I was vacuuming, M was arguing with the dishwasher, J, pretty loudly, and I was trying not to overhear anything. When they were finished I went on my merry way but J wouldn't look me in the eyes, and M gave me a death glare. I thought it was weird, because both of them had been really nice to me. I didn't really stay on it for very long, and went home. Everything was fine. Well, I got a call Friday afternoon, from M, and she said that some people had complained, and I wasn't the kind of person that they wanted to be a server. I was messing things up that I shouldn't have been so I was fired. I was really upset, so I didn't say anything else. I have no idea what happened... but I can't stop thinking about it. The past few nights it keeps playing through my head. I will admit that things were pretty crazy and I made some mistakes, but that's normal. That's nothing to be fired over. So maybe MA was unhappy with the way that I served her table, and she is the one who insisted I go. Or maybe the argument with J and M had something to do with what I said. I don't know...
But I just can't stop thinking about it. I keep having those stress dreams, where there's a problem and you need to fix it but it's always just out of your reach. As soon as you even get close to some sort of resolution, you wake up.
I've never been fired before... and I could understand it if I had set the place on fire or something... If i had thrown boiling lava hot soup on a customer. If I flashed everybody... something outrageous like that... If I had done something wrong.
I'm upset. I'm offended.... and what do I do now? What am I supposed to do? I'm stuck. I have to get another job, but I'm almost out of school, I won't be staying at anything for very long... I'm scared that I'll be a failure again. I'm just a disappointment...

I could have taken a different position. But I worked with them because I knew them, we were friends. I was trying to do something that would be good for everyone. And I ended up getting the short end of the stick. I wasted my time.

Stages of Grief

If you are anything like me, being on time is something that you take great pride in. There is never an issue about being "late" to something. Alarm clocks are set in advance, ample time is given to get ready, and more often than not you leave with a cushion of 20 minutes, or more, in order to guarantee punctuality. If there is ever a situation where circumstances have double crossed you and there is a possibility that your perfect attendance will be tarnished - you go into panic mode. The stress and anxiety you experience from that singular event, could provide enough energy to power New York City. During these times, it is important to remember to stay calm. It also helps to recognize that There are stages that you will go through before you are brought back to your acceptable level of sanity.

I went through all of this today as I was driving from my photography class to my science class. I was forced to feel and overcome these emotions. I hope to bring about awareness. Perhaps by sharing my story, I can help.

1. Denial: Even though you are checking the clock every 10 seconds, you may feel like you're just being paranoid, and can make your deadline no matter what happens. This of course isn't always true, and you may tell yourself things like...

I'm not going to be late, the clock is just a little off today.

Time will stop in order for me to make it to my class on time

2. Anger: Generally, if you are in a car, it is normal to experience feelings of hate towards your fellow drivers, also known as "road rage". You may feel like tailgating the car in front of you will actually make them go faster. However this may irritate whoever is in that car and they will go slower. Which will make you say things like...

@$*!#%^&!!!!!

GO FASTER OR I'M GOING TO REAR END YOU!

I'LL RIP OUT YOUR HEADLIGHTS AND BEAT YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH THEM YOU _____ING ______ER!!!!

3. Bargaining: After your excellent driving tactics fail you, you start to try and telepathically communicate with the drivers in front of you. Sometimes in desperate situations, you will even try the same thing with traffic lights.

If i stop riding your bumper will you pretty please go faster?

If you turn green I vow never to turn on red!

4. Depression: Usually the above strategies fail, at which point you feel sad and disheartened that you couldn't cheat your way through the system.

I'm such a failure, I'll never take another class as long as I live.

My professor will fail me for my disrespect.

5. Acceptance: And finally, we have made it to the final stage. Your life is not ending. You start to calm down, breathe easier, and even start singing along with the radio. Now we get to recognize things like

Fact: Being 20 minutes late to your 2 1/2 hour class will not kill you.

Fact: You have 30 minutes to make a 40 minute drive, on top of which you will have an extra 5 to 7 minutes of walking time from your car to the classroom. You are not going to make it.

Everything always turns out in the end. And after you walk into the classroom you sill spend the rest of your time on the internet anyway. The important thing is, that you have tried you best, and you will learn from your mistakes.

epic bag

I found this bag!

and it's amazing

i wish i made more money....

C:

We demolish dreams.

"Hyperbole and a half" has a new post up. It is called Wolves. As usual, it is hilarious. Please read it.

Anyways... my family adopted those two kittens if you remember from previous posts. We took them to the vet a little bit ago, to see how old they were, and to see how much it would cost to get them neutered. Well, apparently it's crazy expensive to have them get their shots, and neuter them, and have their front claws removed. (Personally, I would prefer them to keep their claws... because I think it's ridiculous to take them out. It's not like we have anything worth protecting in the house... Let the rip it up!) My dad was kind of worried about the cost. We aren't exactly the richest family out there, and we need to pinch pennies wherever we can. So to spend this much money on two kittens we've had for a few weeks seems a little strange. He presented the family with the idea that we might not be able to keep the kittens if we couldn't find the money to "take care of them". And when that idea was met with cries of outrage and the whining of almost every family member, my dad decided to go ahead and get the job done. The kittens now have an appointment on Tuesday to have all of their hopes and dreams demolished. I'm excited that we get to keep them. But I'm not sure how I feel about this whole operation. I feel like the shots are a good idea, even human children need shots. I guess I just feel guilty that they're not going to be able to have little babies of their own. I'm ruining their body because I want a pet. I just don't feel like it's right...

i was rudely awakened. now i'll never finish my dream. my last words were "why did they attack me?" and now i have the hiccups. i will never recover from this moment.

also, I was traumatized... my computer got scratched! badly. like multiple rivets... it was awful.

but i will try to move on from this.

i will make something good come out of my day.

i am determined.

love this.

i stumbled across this article, and i really like how this guy phrases things.

my favorite part is this, if you skip the rest of the article... at least read this:

Here is that Big Difference between homosexuality and other sins: There is no sin I can commit that, by virtue of committing it, renders me incapable of loving or being loved. I can commit murder. I can steal. I can rob. I can rape. I can drink myself to death. I can do any terrible thing at all—and no one would ever claim that intrinsic to the condition that gave rise to my doing that terrible thing is that I am, by nature, simply incapable of giving or receiving love.

No one tells the chronic drinker, or glutton, or adulterer, or any other kind of sinner, to stop experiencing love. Yet that’s exactly what so many Christians are insisting gay people do.

When you tell a gay person to “resist” being gay, what you are really telling them—what you reallymean—is for them to be celibate.

What you are truly and actually saying is that you want them to condemn themselves to a life devoid of love.

Be alone, you’re demanding. Live alone. Don’t hold anyone’s hand. Don’t snuggle on your couch with anyone. Don’t cuddle up with anyone at night before you fall asleep. Don’t have anyone to chat with over coffee in the morning.

Do not bind your life to that of another. Live your whole life without knowing that joy, that sharing, that peace.

Just say “no” to love.

Be alone. Live alone. Die alone.

The “sinful temptation” that Christians are forever urging LGBT people to resist is love.

Being, of course, the one thing Jesus was most clear about wanting his followers to extend to others.

Can we stop with this cruel idiocy already?

positive

i will chose to be positive.

i will chose to look at things from a different perspective.

i will chose to ignore the negative thoughts in my head.

i will chose to focus on things that bring everyone happiness.

everything is not always about me. i need to accept this, move on, and try to understand other people. i find that when i get really down in the dumps, all i'm thinking about is myself. it's not healthy. i need to reshape the way that i think...

inspiration

I love Adele. I absolutely adore her voice. Her music is the music that is always stuck in my head. All of her songs melt together inside of my head, but i can tell you practically all of the ins and outs of them. I can tell you which hook is from that song. Which phrase is from this section on this part of the album. (Realistically my skills are limited... but I am not going to tell you that because it will take something away from the magic of this moment)

She is coming out with a new album on February 22, 2011. And I am going to get it.

I was just about to crack down on finishing this TrueWind project when I stumbled across this interview with her. There are two video sections. I watched it, and even listened to the last song on her new album. (I am fairly certain that it cuts to it after the first interview video is over -that is what happened to me. And you have to physically click the link to part two of the interview)

What I really loved was this quote from the second video

"I made a huge effort to just swim in music for a while. I want to be a career artist. I want to show growth and development and progression and stuff like that. So I literally just sat in my house for three weeks and didn't really leave apart from to take the dog for a walk, and just listened to loads of music, catalogues of music. Loads of hip-hop, loads of country, loads of pop, loads of stuff I like already, loads of stuff I don't even like, and just trying to understand what it is about a song that moves me; where it peaks, why I think it peaks, stuff like that, just kind of studying it. I don't think this record is perfect or nothing but I think the songs are a massive step up from the last one."

I love it when artists that I admire actually put effort into their work. When I can see that they are trying to better themselves and their voice. That they are not just some tool of the media. That they care about their own personal development as well as my need for their music.

The videos are really interesting because you can really see that she has a fairly large personality. She'll just laugh about whatever, and make references to things that I may not be aware of. Because she is normal. Who doesn't like normal people?