jacob started it.

people tell me quite a bit just to pray about it. to give it to god, and everything will be alright. what am i supposed to say to that? i prayed about this for 6 years, no answer yet... i think he's tired of listening to me. i can understand that they're just trying to help. but. it's not alright. not then, and especially not now.

my parents got their answer to prayer. it made them go bankrupt, move around the country. my dad was unemployed for a year or so. and no one in the church will listen to a thing they have to say. why can't i have luck like theirs...

every so often, i feel bad for thinking this. but i really can't help it... yesterday, with the whole dream scare... i really tried to solidify my idea of god. but i can't figure this part out.

this morning i woke up, because i died. i had one of those crazy end of the world dreams. it didn't start out that way at all. james bond and angela montenegro were in an empty hospital. it had been evacuated because there were going to be some pretty hefty storms coming around, and no one though the building would be left standing. but they were in there... angela didn't know about the storms. and bond didn't care... and then it flashed back to earlier that day when bond was flying a plane trying to escape. he was doing all of these crazy tricks in the air... and then tried to go under a bridge. and his plane exploded. then all of the sudden. peter and i were there. it was earlier in the day. and we were on a boat. someone was talking... and it started getting really windy. and there had been threats of massive storms. and i remember people were walking off the boat smiling holding hands. saying how much god loved them. and how everything was going to be alright, because things were happening just like he said they were. peter and i were just sitting there. he was listening to someone or something, i don't know. but i know that i had this little bag of paper that had things that i had said written on them. they were like, excerpts from my notebooks. and i was trying to scribble little side notes on them, because if someone later was going to find my body. i wanted them to understand what i meant. i was bawling my eyes out because peter and i had never finished talking about god, and religion. and i kept trying to pull him aside and figure it out. but something was always happening. i had this overwhelming feeling of panic. like we were wasting time trying to figure this out. we just needed to pick something. i wanted to follow all of the people who weren't freaking out. but peter was saying how, it wouldn't be right because we weren't sure if we believed the same things. and i kept trying to take him with me. but he would say things like, well the lifeguards aren't going to leave their posts are they? and i was beside myself, because i knew. that i would never leave him behind. but i knew that if we stayed we were going to die. and i remember being so afraid. because i knew that i believed in god. we were still on the boat and it started getting really stormy. and peter fell over the side. and i jumped in after him. and tried to find him, but there was just too much water. and i couldn't see anything, or feel anything. and i couldn't help just imagining him next to me, so that i wouldn't feel like i was dying by myself.

and i woke up... and i was so scared. i believe in dreams a whole heck of a lot more than i believe in those conscious "signs" and i just keep trying to think about how different people would interpret this.. and it fight's with my head. religious people would definitely say that god's trying to talk with me. and other people would say that i have just been around too many apocalyptic movies. but that's not important. how do i feel about this? i've been scared of this happening my entire life. they think that it's a good thing when they tell you all of the horrible ways you're going to die when you're a child.

i feel like. i believe in a god. i don't know what happens after death. i don't know if there's a heaven. or if i'm going to go... but i'm so scared. because i know that if these things ever happen, i'm not going to be able to hold onto anything like this. i'm going to be running around with my head cut off. and that's not how it's supposed to work. you're supposed to be able to just, hold onto that hope. and i can't.

when i was a kid, i kept praying to god to let me die before the end of the world. because i knew i wasn't strong enough to go through it.

today

was bring you child to work day. my music professor brought in his two daughters. alexandria, and valerie. 9 and 7. i felt so bad for them, being dragged around listening to lectures all day. so i drew them pictures. they seemed to like them.

mess.

i guess in a way, we've always sort of had a room dedicated to messes. whose soul purpose was to be designated, catastrophe. in the white house, it was the room across from my dad's office. i remember calling it the play room... there were bookshelves full of things that i never cared about, boxes, buried treasure. and of course, toys. lots and lots of toys. in tennessee it was every room. but mostly the walkway by our front door. no one ever used it, so it was safe to put junk there. and here... it's the porch. caleigh's play-palace.

i used the play room quite often as a child. there was this rocking horse that had great yarn hair. and i would sit on it and try to teach myself how to braid. and when i graduated to braiding doll's hair, i would still sit on it... everything there was crowded, and i loved it. i used to try and make little hide outs. this one time, we had just seen some gymnastics of some sort, and i remember clearing out a little space. and i stood up, and put my arms out, and jumped! i flung my head back while i was in the air (trying to flip) i fell down. but i tried over and over again... there was this other time, i was very focused on trying to put some poor animal in clothes or something of that sort. and i started to drool. being so little, i hadn't really been too concerned with saliva. i remember jumping up and running to the bathroom and spitting in the toilet. there was this huge feeling of relief. like, now i was out of danger. so i went back to what i was doing. and was soon struck with more spit. so i jumped up again, and ran to the toilet to spit it out. this happened a few more times, and by this point i was near in tears, and my dad came out and asked me why the toilet had been flushing so much... i remember being terrified and concerned that i was going to need to go to the hospital because of this and they were going to give me a shot. which is enough to terrify any toddler. i probably said something like, "dad, there's stuff in my mouth." and of course he probably said something like "that's natural, it's always been there"

sometimes... i want to buy "mastering the art of french cooking" because it had such an impact. but then i remember that i'm a vegetarian. and won't cook the meat recipes. which means the only things i could make are... desserts.

i think maybe i'll have to settle for "my life in france"

reunited.

today. i woke up at 7 and went to my music class. my professor talked about nothing for an hour and a half. i turned in my last assignments for that class, and came home. i got showered and dressed, and headed off towards my lit class. it went fairly well, we were discussing the importance of being earnest. which has been a fairly popular subject in virtually all of my english classes. when class was over, i walked down to the test center to take my music test. it took like 5 minutes. then i came home. made a sandwich, and dragged my mom off to the doctors with me so that i could get a prescription for my acne. we wait for a little while, and then i get called into the back room, where i see a flyer for menopause. "Menopause and you, what to expect when your body is changing" my doctor comes in, looks at my face, and tells me that i should start with a face cream first, and then move to the antibiotics if it doesn't work. i sigh, and take my mom to the pharmacy where they tell me it will take an hour to fill. AND THEN we go to the mount holly bike shop where i pick up Ingrid! turns out, i was really just paying for the man hours. but whatever. there's this firehouse cafe in mt. holly that i've really been wanting to go to and we had about 40 minutes to kill before we could pick up my prescription. so we walk in, and they don't open for another two and a half hours. so we went down to the robins nest cafe, and i had a goat cheese salad. that was actually really good. but then i got dessert. and they charged me 8 dollars for it. and i was kind of peeved. so then we went back to the pharmacy. and got my face stuff. we also had to go pick up caleigh from her after school sports stuff. and when we got home! i rode ingrid for like 2 minutes... and she's so different. it's like a completely separate bicycle. she's so smooth and cooperative now. i don't know if i can handle it. i mean, she's not grade a beef if you know what i mean, but you wouldn't be able to tell by riding her now. :)

so now, i have to go to my ceramics class. and then i'll finally be finished with my day. i'd say it went pretty well.

how to write an essay

Day One:

open microsoft word, and an MLA-how-to

and make your cover page. don't put in a title yet, because you

have no paper. go to header and footer and insert page numbers.

Day Two:

make sure you have a three hour window, and stare at your

computer screen until you can write a sufficiently intelligent

opening paragraph. make sure you haven't read any information

about your topic yet, that comes later.

Day Three:

create a closing paragraph based on what you already know of

your material, and fill in an outline of how many topics you need

to reach 1,000 words.

you need at least a 6 hour window to have all of your reference

material's out in the open. switch back and forth between writing

and distracting yourself, and fudge out the rest of the paper.

don't concentrate too hard on what you're writing, just get it out of

your head. constantly check the word count until you have just enough

to pass the minimum.

Day Four:

Don't bother proofreading, print it out and turn it in...

success.

yesterday, i learned how to open a wine bottle. and, i opened a bottle for the customer. do you know how exciting this is? i feel so accomplished. and today, they finally taught me how to make the mango lassi, so i don't have to wait for other people to make it anymore. i can just go in the back and throw things together all by my lonesome. success. someone last night told me that i am very good at what i do. today, i would like to agree with them. tomorrow i will change my mind, something will happen, and i will feel depleted. but for right now, i am a waitress. rawr.

sometimes, i can't sleep. like tonight, and last night, and the night before. it's not that i'm not tired... i am. very much so. but it's like i'm scared to be unconscious. most of the time i try and find things to keep myself awake until i'm so tired, i kind of just knock out. uncontrollably.

is this okay? i don't know...

"i would like to sample you're DNA"

as if sometime... they're going to come back for a second helping... just seemed a little silly to me.

I was at shop rite the other day. Actually, I believe it was Wednesday. Just getting a few things for my picnic date. While I was walking towards my vehicle, a woman approached me and asked me if I was interested in being a beauty consultant for Mary Kay. She gave me all of this information about it. (Apparently they get 50%) I've been thinking about it quite a bit. Honestly, it does not seem to be that bad of an idea. However, I do not wear too much make up. Part of the deal is that we sell the product by wearing it. Also, I do not feel like there are too many people who really should be buying make up. I just cannot see myself trying to sell something that I do not believe in 100%. So I said no. There is a small part of me that feels almost giddy at the thought of being considered though. I know... I'm awful.

field trip.

lol, just posted that, without writing anything. so - this is an edit. :)

last thursday, my ceramics professor was like, oh- everyone needs to come to philly for nceca. and we were like... uhm what the heck is that. NCECA, is the national ceramics education something something... conference of america? whatever. so my prof. was all, you need to come, OR ELSE! and i was like... crap. i have to go to philly? alone? with my classmates that i don't talk to? joy... so we rescheduled class for tuesday, instead of thursday... which kind of put some kinks in my slinky if you know what i mean. while i was at "class" this girl ashley was all, do you want to carpool? and i was like... yeah, if you're driving. and she was like, well, everyone's taking the train, so i figured we would just meet up with them. so. we exchanged numbers, and were off. thursday comes around, we text each other to make sure we have the same meeting place/time. we get together. at first it isn't so bad, we're chatting, it's fine. no worries. then we pick up a friend of hers, and it get's a little awkward for me, because i've only known ashley for about two hours. so we drive to where we are supposed to meet everyone else to get to the train, and as soon as we get on campus, ashley's like "oh, i feel like they left, they're not here. i think they left" and she keeps saying it over and over again -_- so we keep looking for the other people. driving to a few different places in the parking lot, and finally, we find one of their cars. so we stop, and YAY they're there. so i jump out of the car, and we climb in the back of the next carpooling car. we start going, there is now 6 of us. and i'm in the back... trying not to feel weird. we wind up getting lost, and using the iphone to get a map. we make it to the train station... my first time taking PATCO to philly, but it wasn't that bad, very self explanatory. we get to philly, high-tail it 11 blocks, to where the rest of the group is waiting for us. we only go to 4 galleries. and then we're done -_- we stopped at a place to eat after the first 3 places. and i got an a-mazing sandwich. fresh mozzarella, basil, oregano, tomatoes, on a baguette with balsamic vinegar. it was so yummy. after the last gallery we did the reverse of above... and i came home. there were a few exciting things. like the actual shows, were fairly neat. i have a few favorites. and there were lots of those postcards. i have a bunch. :) OH. and we were on the second floor of a building, trying to get on the elevator. the doors open, and this guy walks out, and then the doors start closing, and so i put my arm out, but the doors didn't stop! they just kept going! everything was in slow motion! and then when the door started squeezing my arm a little, they opened. it was so scary!!!

when i got home, i had this crazy craving for ice cream, so we went to the movies instead. :P i dragged my sister and my dad to go see How to train your dragon. and actually, it was really good! i was freaking out a little. it really tugged on my heart strings. that, or, i just have a very low stress tolerance. C:

and today! i went shopping. i have a pretty blue dress.