one day

i think... i would like to end up like this

finally!

i'm getting my family out of the house today!
we're going to try out one of these bike trails :)
it's supposed to be 30 miles, but we're going to do about 13 of it..
bill and james are tagging along...

i've been looking at elephants all morning
i found a few pictures that would be good
to stipple... that's probably what i'll be
doing in my spare time up at danika's :)

this morning i was pretty close to freaking out
im getting a little nervous about canada
and i know it's ridiculous. but... i can't help it
it's now i function...
i'm just hoping that it goes away soon... it's rather
annoying :)

i'm very excited to be alive today...
and for my rekindled feist addiction

and WE'RE OFF!

joyous

tonight, i am dying my hair. in an attempt to find some semblance of normalcy... i also, finished my first stippling, IN COLOR. what fun. and this is a picture, of the second one... because the first one, was absolutely horrible :P

and this one has issues as well... but
i take solace in the fact that it is better than the previous.
i am trying to find more subject matter
i've been on this crazy artistic binge
i just want to soak it up!
i found this guy who is so amazingly talented. he stippled an elephant and there is no way to describe just how perfect it is. hopefully, i will be able to catch myself up to his level.

i have this impulse to go dive into a pool of art.
as silly and ridiculous as that sounds.
i want to create... and be understood.

and i want to eat some cake

strange

yesterday, i think i must have been a little depressed or something, because i woke up this morning, and all i wanted to do was go somewhere, and enjoy the trip... so i took my little bike down to pemberton lake :) as seen here

i stayed, and milled around for a bit, but then i went down to this cute little hidden building thing... im not sure how old it is, but i was pretty excited to see it.

well, then i biked around and found some chickens... and then i came home.

but i had fun... and i don't understand why yesterday was so horrible... ugh.. silly little girl :)

sometimes

i get this feeling
in my gut,
that i shouldn't go to sleep
because something will get me

like that feeling you get
before you throw up.
that catch in your throat

or when you think there's a monster in your closet
and you want to run and hide
in your parents bed...

that feeling that you shouldn't be
alone, because
there's something bad, just around the corner...

scared

my brother just offered to drop me off at a nj bike trail... i know that i should go.
i went biking today, but only 6 miles, and i know that i should go on this excursion, but i'm scared out of my mind to do it alone... i would probably be scared to do it with someone, but at least there is the comfort of having them there next to me. does this make me weak? pathetic maybe? she can't go by herself. i don't know what i'm walking into...

i just read a news article, about this woman who abducted her child, and fled to disney world...
i wouldn't have thought anything of it, except she seemed a little like me.
her husband said that it came out of nowhere and she was always leaving him little notes saying she loved him...
maybe that's what my future has resigned to...

truly, best night ever!

peter came to surprise me for my birthday today!
i was working on a picture for nathanael, and he walked in the door
i was so happy i almost cried..!
and we toasted, with toast...
and now he's sleeping (or he is supposed to be)
and i am getting ready to go to bed..
and jacob wrote me a birthday song..
i'm just so happy

we're not

i just got off of the phone with pooper. he called to talk about the note that i wrote him for graduation... (just goes to show you that you shouldn't write letters to people while you're incredibly depressed and bawling your eyes out...) (i didn't tell him that part) i get frustrated with pooper a lot because i don't feel like he cares about me... at all. and we've had this conversation before, i know... but then after, nothing really changes. i just get so angry, because i don't think he understands how important it is to me. we just had this drawn out conversation about how i feel like when people don't spend time with me, it means they don't love me.. (in his words)and of course it doesn't work like that for him, but that doesn't mean it isn't for me... i have an i-need-to-stay-in-contact-with-you sort of mentality. i need to leave people notes, or send ridiculous emails, or say hello when i'm walking by, or call at a random hour, send text messages... i need to. it's how i function. and maybe i should just shove the idea into my head, that not everyone is like me... but i'm like me... i need to feel like i've told you that i love you. so i write notes, and plan surprises, and all of that, because i have to say it. i need to tell you. and for some reason, i only get mad at pooper. but i actually feel like i'm friends with everyone else, but with pooper, it's different. i don't feel like i'm worthy of being his friend, i feel like i just bother him, and interrupt his life, and it's just horrible. i feel like he's saying, "you're not worthy of my time"
maybe i'm not...
arg! i shouldn't be allowed to feel! it just complicates things. i hate being misunderstood when i'm trying to talk... my dad was yelling at me this morning because i was trying to explain how he was making me feel. i just can't win... i don't even want to play the game anymore...
i hate this so much...
i wish someone would just be here...
.. with my luck they'd probably just run away screaming...

drama

sometimes, i just get so tired. last night, i was bawling my eyes out... ugh, such a girl. peter and i talked for a while, it cheered me up, but i didn't end up going to sleep until around 2:30/3:00. then my roommate woke me up at 6. i packed, went to the grad. service. DIDN'T cry (oh joy) but then i went to hang out with my family.
such fun...
i was berated for my future life goals and plans.
and of course drilled about the summer plans

you know? for once, i wish that they wouldn't...


i hate feeling like, every time i'm with my family
i'm the odd one out. they pick me, to make fun of,
sometimes, i really feel like its because im the
accident

bittersweet

tonight is my last trip to the gallatins (probably)
i am a little upset, just because it isn't how i imagined it would be
which is how many things have been going lately.
i just wish that everything would turn out alright now.
and i would feel like myself
i had a horrible dream last night.
i haven't really been sleeping very well all week actually
but last night, was probably one of the most surprising
and terrible dreams i've ever had.
who knows... maybe i'll never feel like me again. or
i'll never feel okay
i wish that was false...

ugh. i'm ready.