the after party

i'm at my grandma's house
and my dad is telling my grandpa
about his recent escapades in
his new job
that he won't have in the summer
it's temporary
and he knows that he won't be rehired
and so he's got alot more freedom
which is good
and bad in a way

i'm kicking myself in the teeth right now
because
i initiated the second conversation on the....
my life sucks rambles
and
i dunno....
it's just kind of
icky i suppose


so.....




right now...
it's debatable
on weather or not
this has been a good christmas ....

in denial

at last i can finally say that i know you inside and out. i know you forwards and backwards and sidewards. frontwards and all the other words of yours are known to me. you would be surprised to know how much i have learned about you. but i am not. no, not i. i have spent every waking moment with you. studied you, i have joked and laughed with you. now who is this telling me these things about you? what right do they think they have? telling me all of these foolish things that you haven't done. you couldn't have done them because i know you, and you would never dot hat. never, of course not. how absurd. and another. how silly they are. Go, go and tell them. tell them that it wasn't you. tell them because i know you. i know you inside and out. and you would never do these things. you would never. i know you far too well. they must be mistaken. and how many of them there are. what craziness. how could they hae even thought that this was you? it's not, because i know you. inside and out. and now, what's this? who is this? this isn't you. i know you. you would never do that. no what are you doing? this can't be you, this isn't you.

College woes

so i'm trying to figure out what college i want to go to
its kind of crazy
we had this college fair at my school today
and since i go to a boarding school
well whatever....
so i went
and apparently, there's a school in washington that's
pretty much only 6,000 a year
which is pretty sweet
and there's an opportunity for me to go to england for a year
and take care of my generals
which i think i want to do
but see
the only problems with my college choices
is that i dont know what i want to do yet
career wise...
it's not cool

super crazy stressed

so a while ago... i had this crush on this guy
and this guy
was dating my best friend
so i decided to leave it alone
and i was in a relationship myself
so i figured... this is gonna amount to nothing but drama if i pursue
so i didn't
but then me and my boyfriend broke up
'cause he's an idiot
and her and this guy broke up
then her and my ex boyfriend started dating
awkward number one
so me and this guy...
nothing happened
he called me twice... in i guess 4 months
and he wasn't even going to the same school as me
he was in a different state
but then i found out that he was going to be the same place as me... for a week
which is one of the reasons i committed to going
so i got there
on a sunday
that sunday... she told me she still liked her ex boyfriend...
awkward number two....
so i found this guy
and we hung out
because we were good friends before he left
so we were talking
and we were talking some more
we talked for the whole week
on tuesday...
i found out that he liked me
and he found out that i liked him
and wednesday i found out that he was trying to woo me
and friday i decided to tell said best friend that i liked her ex boyfriend
and she decided to tell him that she still liked him
awkward number three
so i was there
and i knew that there was a possibility that he still liked her
so i made them talk
if they're going to still have feelings for each other
i don't want any more hurt feelings on my part than were already there
so they talked
and i avoided
for like an hour
and i was out walking
and she found me
and she said
"i like him
he likes me
he likes you
i like my boyfriend
and you like this guy
"
so i left and kept walking
and he found me
and we talked
and he asked me out
and i said yes
and i feel guilty
because after she found out
she was like
"take care of him because i love him"
awkward number four
she had to tell me that then
right then
after it had already happend
she could have told me before
and i wouldn't have acted
because that's breaking the friendship code
and that's too much
but no
and so i called my bestest friend steevo
and i aksed for advice
and she helped
and i thought about it
and this is the first decision that i made in a long time that i'm actually proud of
i like him
he likes me
the only thing stopping us is her
and she's already committed to this other guy
but the first time i take a step forward... she's pushing me away
and i don't understand why
but then i had to leave
this guy
and they were now without me
and i was worried
and him and this other guy were gonna go skinny dipping
and this other guy had a crush on her because everyone has a crush on her
and so this other guy wanted her to come
so he made my newly found guy friend ask her
and she called me
in tears
and was like
he asked me to go skinny dipping with him
awkward number five
and i cried
because i didn't want that to happen
i knew it would
and this guy
that i had liked for a long time
had hurt me
but i decided to ask him what happened
and he told me
but she made it sound like it was only him
and it wasn't
or am i being the stupid chick in the middle that's inexperienced...
i'm not sure
but i didn't want to throw this whole thing away for a misunderstanding
so i dropped it
and we've been talking
and i saw him yesterday
and i got myself into a long distance relationship
and if he hurts me
i'm done
but i miss him
and i'm in too deep
and i feel like i'm drowning
and she's pushing me under
and he is too
but i'm letting them