i feel really empty. really alone.

like i should have gone to bed hours ago.

like i should cry my eyes out

get it out of me.

i want it out of me.

i just want. this. whatever it is.

out.

get it out.

i don't want to eat anything.

because i'll wake up tomorrow, and

see it laughing at me.

like a little kid who got a way with something.

i don't want to think about it.

i don't want to talk to you.

give me a reason

one that makes sense.

i'll show you what i see.

and you'll see why i close

my eyes all the time.

i need this.

i need this to cover up all the noises.

my arms are tired.

my ears are too big for my hands now.

i keep shaking

and shaking and

shaking my head.

but they get louder

and louder and

louder.

i'm having trouble falling asleep tonight. every little noise is getting on my nerves. i can't relax, or clear my head... sigh. is this what i have to look forward to? no thank you.

weekend.

every time i see this chair ( i pass it around 3-4 times a month) i tell myself, i'm going to take a picture with it... and so on friday, we did.. C:

this is my dad... with his awesome mustache... again for free. so many people complimented him. it was so great...

so! this, is the elephant that the face-painting lady drew on my face, for FREE! i know it's a little messed up, but i think it's pretty incredible that i was able to keep it for as long as i did.

trauma.

today, my dad and i took caleigh to six flags. we had just gotten in the park and already conquered the enchanted teacup ride, and HOUDINI'S GREAT ESCAPE! we saw the signs for Superman, and decided to have a go. when we walk all the way to the end of the line, it turns out there's a 90 minute wait. but caleigh said she wanted to go for it. so we stand there. apparently the temperatures got up in the 90's today, and it was all up on's while we were standing there. i was starting to feel a little woozy, but i figured it was because i didn't get enough sleep, or i needed to hydrate or something. i was joking with my dad that i felt like i was going to pass out. so we keep going (now we're at the 60 min wait mark) and i'm feeling all out dizzy now. the world spins when i move five centimeters. so i'm trying to rest my head, or lean over. or you know, try to get my footing back again. we get up to the 30 min. wait mark, and nothing has gotten better. i tell my dad that i'm dizzy - this whole time, he's been telling me, "it's because of the teacups, it really messes you up"- i'm holding onto the fence, because i can't stand up by myself, and i close my eyes for a second. my head feel so tingly. like when you stand up to quickly. i'm spinning so fast. and -bam- the next thing i know, i "wake up" on the ground. some stranger is holding the back of my head. my sister has the park map over my face. and i'm shaking. they kept telling me not to move. not to get up. and i was so embarrassed, i kept trying to get up, and tell them i was okay. but they made me stay down. my head started throbbing. they poured water on it, but that made it worse, and they saw blood. security gets there, and walks me through the line of people towards the exit, and this old guy takes me and my sister (because she felt dizzy too, and sat down in the middle of the walkway) to the first-aid hut. there are all of these cots and my sister and i picked two and laid down. they drew the curtains around us. the only think i could think of was, holy crap. i ruined the day, it was supposed to be special, they're going to hate me, what if the cut on my head is really serious and i need stitches. what if they need to shave a part of my head. if we leave now, will they let us come back another day for free.... all this stuff. so the nurse comes over and looks at my head, she says there's a lot of blood but the actual cut isn't too bad. and so we stay for a little bit... it didn't hurt too bad or anything but for some reason i couldn't stop crying. like the whole experience just made me go into panic mode or something... (that's right. i'm a crybaby... maybe even a sissy...) so we leave, end up staying the rest of the day, and that's that.

first time this has ever happened to me... and it was weird. but when we got home, it turns out that the cut the nurse saw, wasn't the one that was doing the leaking. there are a few back there, and if i had gone to the E.R. they probably would have given me a stitch or two. but since now it's my call, i'm not going... i'll be fine. it's just a little swollen.

so i've washed all the blood out of my hair, hopefully... and looks like i'm headed to work tomorrow. C:

great. adventure.

i'm just really tired. not fatigue tired... but

irritated, i guess.

because we said we wouldn't do this.

and now you're doing it. and i have to

pretend like i'm okay with it...

well i'm not.

because you didn't just walk away from "them"

you walked away from me too....

spree.

for the longest time, my mom's favorite candy was crunch bars.

and then for some reason, she switched to spree, and claimed she was always a fan.

she pulled out these giant boxes of stuff the other day. just stuff that she had kept over the years. it made me feel like we have a connection of some sorts, (because i have like 3 mini boxes full to bursting with bma and college stuff) anywho. she had these two exploding shoe boxes of love letters that my dad used to send her. and i mean these things were adorable... apparently he used to call her "precious" and they're all in this super grandma cursivey type handwriting... and it's just... adorable... she even showed me some photo's that she took for a photography class in college...

oh, also, on that front. i'm going to school again. because... i feel like i'm never going to go back if i quit now, and i'm so close to getting my associates.... so i figured, why not...

also...

plan A: is to get a job at a hotel that will let me transfer to scotland.

plan B: is to get my baker's certificate and work in bakery's and cake shops and stuff

plan C: is to join the circus...

and that's that. C:

dig it.

found.

today, i was cleaning... and organizing (hopefully) i came across this paragraph inside one of my old bma notebooks. and it said...

"I love you, too... I love you incredibly. Let me kiss the hem of your dress. - Let me, please! I can't bear to hear it rustle. Say to me: do this!- and I'll do it. I'll do anything. I'll do the impossible. Whatever you believe in, I'll believe too. I'll do anything, anything! Don't look, don't look at me like that! Don't you know you are killing me?"

p. 470

i have no idea where it came from, or what book it belongs to... but i must have liked it then, and i still really like it now... maybe the next time that i try to write something down, i should put the book there too....